Getting in Relationship Shape with Roy Biancalana

Monetize the Mic

On this episode of Monetize the Mic, Jess sits down with Interview Connections client and certified relationship coach, Roy Biancalana!

Roy Biancalana is a nationally recognized expert in the field of attraction and conscious relationships. He is the author of three #1 best-selling books, the latest of which is Relationship Bootcamp: Hard-Core Training for Life, Love & the Pursuit of Intimacy. For the past 15 years, Roy has been supporting single people in the art of attracting healthy, sustainable, intimate relationships. His experience has taught him that getting in “relationship shape” is the key to attracting lasting love.

Jess first asks Roy, “What goes into being fit in a relationship?”

Roy is the first to admit that he has made every mistake you can make. One of the biggest mistakes is to focus on strategy. People always ask Roy about the strategy of dating. Questions include, “Where do I go to meet someone? How do I find someone online? How do I approach someone? How do I flirt?”

If you were going to run a marathon, you could ask questions about how to be successful in a marathon. You could focus on questions like “What should I eat that morning? When should I drink during the race?” You could ask all kinds of questions about what to do on the day of the race, the strategy. But no matter how great your strategy is, if you’re not in shape you’re never going to go the distance.

The biggest mistake people make is focusing on the dating strategy. What Roy has found is if you are not in great relationship shape, even if you have a great strategy, it’s not going to go the distance. The success of the relationship is more about your internal relationship health. You can never be in a relationship that’s healthier than you are.

Roy likes to turn questions about “them” into questions about you. Instead of “Where can I find someone?” ask, “Am I ready to create something real? Do I have something blocking me? Do I have limiting beliefs? What might be going on inside of me that is either going to inhibit the evolution of this relationship?” Roy wants to reorient people toward looking at themselves, rather than looking for a person.

Jess remarks that trust is one of the things that can hinder someone in a relationship. What does Roy tell people who have been hurt and betrayed and are having a difficult time trusting?

Roy reminds us of the fitness metaphor he uses for relationships. He has identified seven important relationship “muscles.” These muscles need to be strong so we can have healthy relationships. Something that Roy recommends we ask ourselves, is “What muscles do I need to get stronger with?”

One of the muscles that Roy talks about is your relationship to the past. Trust is really your relationship to the past. It’s important to ask, are you holding on to it or are you letting go of your past? Everyone to one degree or another has some baggage. What that does is, if it remains alive in us, makes it difficult to trust. It makes it difficult to meet the next person with an open and available heart. It makes it difficult to meet someone to get to know them.

Roy coaches his clients to understand the past, and then let go of it. It’s not about forgetting it, it’s about framing it, and making peace with it. It’s something that happened, not something that is happening! Walls will keep you safe, but they will keep you single.

Roy has identified three levels of trust. The first level is: I trust you. Your ability to trust is based on the other’s person’s character and behavior. You never can really feel secure if your trust is based on their behavior and character. Roy recommends reframing this trust to be, “My heart may get broken, but it will never break me. People are unpredictable. I don’t know what they’re going to do. I don't know what they are going to do, but no matter what, I’m okay. I’m going to learn from the experience.”

Now, your trust is based on something that you know that you can control. Then you can be normal, you don’t have to protect yourself. You can be free, relaxed, and authentic. That’s when you’re the most attractive! Roy wants listeners to make sure they do not get discouraged if they find out your muscles need some work! It is not only possible, but life-changing, when you start to train and strengthen your relationship muscles!

You can connect with Roy and take his free relationship fitness quiz at Coachingwithroy.com!