Something Unfamiliar

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Something Unfamiliar
If you don’t put yourself into new situations, you’ll never learn or grow. That much is obvious. Getting outside your comfort zone can be uncomfortable. That much is equally obvious. But how to actually overcome the feelings that prevent us from having those new experiences is much less clear. If the problem is in our heads, however, the solution is there, too.
Mind-set Matters
One of the reasons for the awkwardness, reluctance, and stress many of us feel in unfamiliar contexts is the mind-set we bring to them from the get-go. Our in-going mind-set has a huge impact not only in how we anticipate and experience new situations, but also in what we say and do, and, unfortunately, what we don’t say and do. Simply put, we often tend to focus more on performing than on learning. The problem with a performance-oriented mind-set is that we come to see and approach new situations as if they’re make-or-break trials of our natural skills and abilities. Instead of approaching new situations as opportunities to learn new things and meet new people, we go in with the (often unconscious) belief that we’re being tested. We focus on proving ourselves and avoiding mistakes. We see others as evaluators or fellow competitors instead of collaborators. We strive to be the person we think others want us to be, instead of just being ourselves. And when we do all that, of course, we’re just about doomed. We’ve partly inherited this performance-based mind-set from our ancestors. For most of human history, our survival and reproductive success was largely based on our performance--how well we could hunt, gather food, and fight. In a world of limited resources, we competed within our groups for status in order to gain and maintain access to food, shelter, and mates. And our brains evolved accordingly.
In the rare instances when we tried to join a new group, our primary focus was in establishing ourselves towards the top of the group’s hierarchy as quickly as possible, which was usually determined by how well we initially performed.
A Learning-based Mind-set
Fortunately, there’s a better way. A simple shift in mind-set towards seeing new situations as learning opportunities rather than performance tests can make a big difference. On a practical level, a learning-oriented mind-set:
1. Gives you more energy and enthusiasm. Seeing new situations as interesting challenges with the opportunity because discovery can give you more incentive and desire to put yourself out there.
2. Stifles performance anxiety. If you’re focused on learning from others, not competing with them, you’ll simply have fewer mental resources to devote to worrying about how you’re doing.
3. Helps reframe missteps part of the learning process. You’ll stress over them less if you see your mistakes as helpful feedback to help you adjust and do better.
4. Keeps you open to new possibilities. If learning is your main goal, you’re more likely to recognize and take advantage of surprises, unexpected connections, and new opportunities. After all, the point of having new experiences, in the first place, is to gain new ideas and make new relationships.
5. Makes a great first impression. Approaching new people you can learn from causes you to ask questions and listen more intently, which shows deference, respect, and humility. Those are far better traits when it comes to making a good first impression than the ones you’re likely to display when you’re concerned about showing off.
Switch Mind-set
1. Define what you want to learn from the situation before you enter it. You’ll need to deliberately shift focus from performing to learning right from the get-go.
2. Write a recapitulation afterward. If it helps, pretend you’re a journalist or sociologist gathering information in the field. It’ll give you a more focused purpose for navigating the unfamiliar situation, help you ask better questions, and keep your attention fixed on what others are saying. Once you’ve written down what you’ve learned, you’ve captured it forever. Then go back and review those notes before you meet someone again in order to make a great second impression, and keep developing those relationships.
3. Evaluate your progress. If you aren’t learning, move on to new people or try new questions. Make sure you’re getting the most out of whatever situation you place yourself in. Sometimes you’ll discover you’re learning something completely unexpected. At any rate, remain open to adjusting your learning goals so you can take best advantage of the opportunity.
4. Relax and have fun. So much of our lives are already about performing well and being productive. Give yourself a break from that. Our brains have evolved to see new situations as far risky than they are these days. Give yourself time to relax and have fun.

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