#7 Are You a People Pleaser?

Try Self-Love

If you tend to overdo in relationships or swoop in so you can “rescue” someone, you are engaging in people-pleasing. This coping mechanism is learned young; we all want to be a “good” girl or boy and making others happy earns us a gold star. As children we seek love, safety and belonging because it’s how we’re wired; we need others to care for us in order to survive. Learning to make our parents our caretakers happy helps us to feel like we have some sense of control in our little world.

One unfortunate side effect of people-pleasing is that you lose yourself; you put on different masks for the different relationships you are in, always trying to anticipate the other’s needs. You give and give only to end up depleted, resentful and angry. You can experience anxiety, depression and a low sense of self-worth.

If you see some of this behavior in yourself (we all do it) the good news is that, with practice, you can change! Start by becoming aware of the things you are doing. Before you say “yes” to anything, step back and ask yourself a few questions:

• Do I have time to do this?
• Do I want to do this?
• Does this align with my values?

If the answer is “no,” then please say “no.” It may feel very foreign at first but that’s okay; stepping out of your comfort zone is never comfortable. You can always say, “no” in a kind manner. I like to say, “Thank you so much for asking/inviting/thinking of me. That doesn’t work for me right now but I really appreciate it.” You don’t have to provide any reasons or excuses. You are simply allowed to say “no.”

Work on some affirmations to help yourself in the process. Try one of the following:

• My needs are just as important as anyone else’s.
• I care about myself enough to speak up about what is best for me.
• I matter, too.
• I’m not being selfish when I self-advocate.