Episode #5: When Passionate Parenting Isn’t Enough, with Paul Podolsky

Sex, Drugs, and Jesus

When Passionate Parenting Isn’t Enough, with Paul Podolsky

When Paul Podolsky and his wife adopted an infant girl, Sonya, from Russia, they expected to have an innocent, loving child on their hands. Like any excited parents, they poured lots of affection onto their new kid, with the intent to help her grow up happy, healthy, and well adjusted. Everything seemed perfect.

But signs that things were awry quickly began to appear. Sonya wouldn’t drink any liquids put in front of her, and would then gorge herself sick with food. When they got her into preschool, she began strategically waiting for nap time and then stealing from all the other kids. Then she started exposing herself to strangers and defecating in public places.

As she got older, the lying and misbehaving got worse and worse. She became extremely manipulative, pitting Paul and his wife, Marina, against each other. She even hid her brother’s inhaler, putting his life at risk.

How did she become so inclined towards chaos? That’s the subject of Paul’s book: Raising a Thief, and the central topic of this interview.

How Do Parents End up Raising a Criminal?

The answer lies in early childhood. In Sonya’s case, her birth mother severely neglected her, letting her cry all day with very little food or attention. Authorities eventually took Sonya away from her home after the neighbors called the police, but she endured this parental abuse for the first few months of her life.

In our interview, Paul informs me that going through an experience like Sonya’s so early in development has some very intense effects on the brain. Sonya’s mind was fundamentally reprogrammed, making her believe she was threatened by primary caretakers, and that to survive, she had to assert her control in every situation. That’s what her bad behavior boiled down to. By breaking all the rules, she demonstrated that she could control them––not the other way around.

So what did Paul and his wife do? Try to be the perfect parents. They’d both undergone trauma in their own youths. Marina’s father was an alcoholic, and Paul’s mother had died from cancer when he was very young. They didn’t want Sonya to experience a similar situation as they did, growing up without treating the lasting effects of trauma until adulthood. They poured in every resource: emotional, physical, financial, spiritual…but nothing helped Sonya heal.

They checked her in and out of rehabilitation for years and although it felt like failure, Paul has learned that there was nothing more he could have done. In the episode Paul details how in life, there are some things you can’t control. In this case, he had to let go and hope professionals could help Sonya better than he could. Although there were periods of improvement, her temperament grew worse over time.

Thanks to professional intervention and her own self journey, Sonya started to come around. Paul recounts seeing her post a fundraiser on social media to help reduce child hunger, and he donated, prompting a phone call from her the next day to catch up. A day later, she called Marina too. I wouldn’t call Sonya’s relationship with her adoptive parents perfect, but they have had meaningful, positive interactions since she left home.

There are plenty of people out there with similar problems as Sonya, to various degrees. To help put them at ease, Paul decided to write and publish Raising a Thief. His goal is to help parents who are in a similar situation and feel frustrated, worn out, or confused. He’s been able to work with families from all over the world to help them unders

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