🎙️ The Love We Think We Want – The Deeper Thinking Podcast

The Deeper Thinking Podcast

🎙️ The Love We Think We Want – The Deeper Thinking Podcast

Love is supposed to be simple. It’s supposed to bring security, fulfillment, and connection. So why do so many of us chase after people who will never stay? Why does longing feel more intoxicating than stability? And why do we mistake pain for love?

From childhood fairy tales to modern dating culture, we have been conditioned to believe that love must be earned—that suffering proves devotion, and that the deeper the struggle, the greater the reward. But what if this belief is not love at all, but a pattern we have learned to repeat? What if the ache of waiting for a text, a call, a sign is not romance, but a survival instinct shaped by attachment wounds?

What if the real challenge is not finding the right person—but learning how to stay when love is no longer a test?

This episode takes a deep dive into the psychology of attraction, attachment theory, and the myths that keep us trapped in cycles of unfulfilled love. We explore the works of Jean-Paul Sartre, Sigmund Freud, Lauren Berlant, and Eva Illouz—unraveling the hidden scripts that define our understanding of love and how we can finally break free.

Why Do We Chase What Hurts?

We assume that love is about connection, but research in attachment theory shows that much of what we call love is actually a reenactment of our earliest emotional experiences. If love felt uncertain in childhood, we may unconsciously seek out that same uncertainty in adulthood, mistaking anxiety for passion.

Freud’s concept of repetition compulsion suggests that we are drawn to the same painful patterns, hoping this time, the outcome will be different. But what if love is not something to be won—but something that was never meant to hurt?

The Fantasy of Love vs. Reality

Cultural critic Lauren Berlant argues that we are trapped in "cruel optimism"—we hold onto ideals of love that actually prevent us from finding real fulfillment. In this episode, we challenge the idea that love must be dramatic, painful, or earned through suffering.

Sociologist Eva Illouz explores how modern dating turns love into a competition—where self-worth is measured by desirability, and emotional pain is normalized as part of the pursuit. If we are always trying to prove our worth in love, can we ever truly feel loved?

Why Listen?

This episode is essential for anyone searching for deeper answers about love, attachment, and the unconscious patterns that shape our relationships. Whether you’re navigating modern dating, trying to understand past heartbreak, or questioning why love feels like a push-and-pull, this conversation will help you untangle the myths from the truth.

🔹 If you've ever wondered why you’re drawn to unavailable people, this episode will help you understand the psychology behind it.
🔹 Curious about why healthy love feels unfamiliar? Learn how attachment styles shape attraction.
🔹 Struggling with the idea of "soulmates" or "the one"? Explore the philosophy of love through Sartre, Freud, and Berlant.
🔹 Want to break free from toxic love cycles? We unpack why so many of us repeat emotional wounds in relationships.

This isn’t just a discussion about love—it’s a reexamination of everything we think we know about intimacy, desire, and human connection.

Further Reading

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📚 Cruel Optimism – Lauren Berlant
A powerful exploration of why we hold onto things that harm us—whether toxic relationships or impossible ideals of love.

📚 Why Love Hurts – Eva Illouz
A sociological deep dive into how modern romance has become a market-driven experience, making love feel more like a competition than a connection.

📚 Beyond the Pleasure Principle – Sigmund Freud
Freud’s revolutionary work on why we repeat painful emotional patterns, and how our unconscious mind shapes attraction.

📚 Being and Nothingness – Jean-Paul Sartre
How existentialist philosophy explains our fear of intimacy, the illusion of romantic destiny, and why we struggle with commitment.

📚 The State of Affairs – Esther Perel
An eye-opening look at desire, betrayal, and why love often conflicts with attachment and security.

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The love we think we want is often not love at all. It is memory, longing, a repetition of wounds left unhealed. But real love? It was never meant to hurt.