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Formerly the Parenting after Trauma podcast, internationally recognized children's mental health expert Robyn Gobbel decodes the most baffling behaviors for parents of kids with vulnerable nervous systems. If you're parenting a child who has experienced trauma or toxic stress or a child with a neuroimmune disorder, sensory processing, or other nervous system vulnerability, this show will let you know you are not alone. You can stop playing behavior whack-a-mole because Robyn offers you tools ...
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David Wahl and Pepper talk about weird stuff.
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This episode originally aired on September 20th, 2022 Another important piece of understanding what is underneath your child's big, baffling behaviors is the Stress Response System. Our Stress Response System plays a huge role in our children's behaviors and also how we perceive those behaviors. In this episode, you’ll learn: What stress is and how…
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Settle in for a fun and inspiring chat with hosts from Therapist Uncensored and authors of the new release Secure Relating, Sue Marriott & Ann Kelley. In this episode, you’ll learn How responding to our children’s (and partner’s) needs in the present moment, instead of from a place of anxious or avoidant states, can improve our relationships About …
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This episode originally aired on August 1st, 2023 Parenting a child with a vulnerable nervous system can feel like navigating a maze blindfolded. But what if we told you that understanding the balance between enabling and co-regulation could be your guiding light? This week, we break down this crucial contrast, demystifying the term 'enabling', oft…
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I’m sure you’ve had moments (days, weeks, months) where it felt hard, maybe even impossible, to keep offering connection to your child. It is hard to offer connection to someone who seems to constantly reject it! If it feels hard to keep offering your child connection, I actually want you to shift your focus. Don’t prioritize offering connection to…
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The Club opens for new members next week, April 30 - May 4! For all the details and to sign up on the waiting list, head to RobynGobbel.com/TheClub Rose LaPiere, LPC-S, RPT-S, is teaching a course on how to incorporate owls, watchdogs, and possums into child and play therapy! Virtually, May 10 & 17, 2024. 6 CEs, including APT. Https://RobynGobbel.c…
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If regulated, connected kids who feel safe do well, does that mean connected kids are always cooperative? Definitely not! In fact, there’s a level of connection to others- and to themselves! - that invites in the safety to be UNcooperative! In this episode, you’ll learn How safety can invite both cooperative and UNcooperative behavior Why too much …
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This is NOT an episode about how to make your kid go to school. What you WILL learn in this episode: What is pathological demand avoidance, or PDA? Schools valuing attendance above all is not helpful You are a good parent even if your kid doesn’t go to school That sometimes, all we have to do is be nice Resources mentioned in this podcast: Can’t No…
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The question of ‘can I heal’ or 'can my child heal' or ‘how do I (or my child) heal’ is a tricky one. Healing is a word that gets used a lot without really pausing to ask ourselves what it actually means. If we are aiming for a nebulous goal that hasn’t been defined, it will feel impossible to reach. Impossible tasks often feel hopeless. In this ep…
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***This episode originally aired on February 2nd, 2021*** Lying is probably the behavior parents seek support with the most. It's confusing. It's triggering. It's exhausting. Did you catch last week's episode on X Ray Vision Goggles? We can use those goggles to get underneath the lying so we can respond in ways that actually sets the boundary and i…
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Do you live with someone or love someone who is chronically dysregulated? This episode isn’t an episode that is going to tell you what to do. This is an episode of commiseration. Of “I see you.” It is exhausting to live with someone who is chronically unhappy, or chronically dysregulated. Knowing you’re not alone can help. In this episode, you’ll l…
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***This episode originally aired on February 16th, 2021*** Connection. Empathizing. Offering choices. These parenting ideas sound good in theory but if you are living with a child who seems chronically angry or won’t get out of bed or is otherwise pretty much always unhappy or dysregulated- none of those parenting suggestions seem to do much good. …
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It’s very common for all humans- kids and adults- to have more behavior struggles and dysregulation. Kids with vulnerable nervous systems, as well as attachment trauma, are especially likely to demonstrate some confusing patterns with regard to where they are regulated and where they aren’t. In this episode, you’ll learn The neurobiology behind why…
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***This episode originally aired on May 11th, 2021*** You’ve asked yourself “Is this a behavior that’s coming from my child’s trauma? Or is this regular acting out kid behavior???” Sometimes it’s pretty obvious but if you’re asking yourself that question, you’re probably in a situation where it isn’t obvious. What if I told you it doesn’t matter? H…
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Parenting with co-regulating and seeing below our kids behaviors is actually a privilege we rarely talk about. It’s always a privilege, but especially when we consider different marginalized and oppressed identities that a lot of kids- and those of you listening- intersectionally hold. In this episode, you’ll learn The definition of privilege (it i…
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Parents of kids with a history of relational and complex trauma are some of the loneliness people I’ve ever known. The loneliness of parenting becomes compounded when the loneliness isn’t seen. The loneliness is traumatic. It leaves an imprint on our spirits that wreaks havoc on our health (physical and mental) and our relationships (with others, a…
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Kids with vulnerable nervous systems often say BIG, hurtful, and scary words. They say things like “I hate you!” or “You hate me!” They sometimes threaten to hurt themselves- or you! Verbal aggression almost always pulls us right onto the watchdog pathway ourselves- which is understandable. Let’s talk about how you might respond if you’re able to h…
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Robyn explores the grief in parenting kids with vulnerable nervous systems In this episode, you’ll learn: The relationship between trauma and grief Why it's important to make space for grief in our kids and in ourselves The role of self-compassion How a lack of media representation of your parenting journey causes grief Resources mentioned in this …
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Have you ever felt confused by your child’s silly behavior? It seems like they are having fun, but it doesn’t feel good at all? In this episode, you’ll learn How to tell the difference between fun-silly and dysregulated-silly What’s going on in the brain and nervous system for a child who is dysregulated-silly Practical ideas for how to support you…
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Our kids don’t need us to be perfect. Not only do they not need us to be perfect, it would actually be bad for them if we were. In fact, research shows parents are in attunement with their children about 30% of the time. 30%! That’s it! When I teach, I often reassure parents that ⅓ of their interactions with their child are “getting it right.” Abou…
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Parenting ‘experts’ forget to tell you the most important thing. All this advice??? You’ll never do it all the time or even most of the time. You don’t need to. That’s not the point. Together - me and you - let’s just aim for 1% better. Professionals- this one's for you, too. In this episode, you’ll learn A parenting professionals #1 job is to trus…
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What is a vulnerable nervous system and how do you know if your child has one? Understanding what is meant by "vulnerable nervous system" can help you support your child with big, baffling behaviors. In this episode, you’ll learn: What do I mean by vulnerable nervous system How to know if your child has a vulnerable nervous system What causes nervo…
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Sometimes it’s those lower-level, chronic behaviors- like rudeness and sassiness- that can really deplete the very limited reserves we have saved up in our own window of stress tolerance. Then we waffle between over-responding (big reaction, tiny problem) or under-responding (ignoring dysregulation which ultimately leads to increased dysregulation)…
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Understanding the difference between having influence over behavior vs. control can help you get clear on what to focus on. One of the trickier parts of the work I do is talking so much with parents about attachment, their role in co-regulation, and felt-safety, without snagging into parent’s shame about every parent's deepest worry- that their chi…
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If you’ve ever wanted to eavesdrop on a conversation between two attachment, trauma, and neuro-nerds, today is your chance. Robyn and her dear friend and colleague, Jessica Sinarski, got together a few weeks ago for a live webinar to chat about how they have turned attachment science into practice. If you missed that webinar, here’s your chance to …
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Cues of safety, danger, or life threat come from three places- inside, outside, and between. In part 3 of this series on felt safety, we are exploring felt safety from between- from relationship! In this episode, you’ll learn How availability of connection is a cue of safety or danger How neuroception can tell the state of the other person’s nervou…
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In this second episode of a three-part series on felt safety, we are going to explore all the ways our kids (and ourselves) are neuroceiving safety or danger from what’s happening in the environment. In this episode, you’ll learn Misconceptions about felt safety External (outside) cues of felt safety, such as the environment, sensory experiences, s…
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Let’s go back to basics! Last week we talked about seeing behavior through the lens of the nervous system and then took a deep-dive into co-regulation. This week begins a three-part deep-dive into the foundational concept of felt safety. What is felt safety, what isn’t felt safety, and why it matters! Next we will explore the many different ways we…
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There’s a lot of confusion about what co-regulation really is. Parents often say to me something like “OK, I get it- I’m supposed to give co-regulation instead of a consequence. But- what does that really mean? Like- what does co-regulation actually look like in real life?” Listen to the episode to learn: What regulation really is What co-regulatio…
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Behavior is just what we see on the outside that tells us about what’s happening on the inside. If we want to change behavior, we have to change what’s driving the behavior. This approach to behavior change rests on the idea that regulated, connected kids who feel safe behave well. If you’re curious about how I came to that conclusion, you can watc…
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I know it feels very frustrating when you find a therapist, arrange your schedule, and find a way to pay for therapy only for your child to not participate. Often parents ask me how to get their child to participate or what to do if their child won’t participate. But actually what we really need to talk about is what does it look like to participat…
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No matter how much effort we put into understanding behavior, seeing our kids for who they truly are, and connecting with their infinite worth, for those navigating the baffling behaviors of kids who have experienced trauma, or have sensitized stress response systems and/or vulnerable nervous systems, parenting can be traumatic In this episode, you…
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Sometimes it feels like our kids have a hole in the bottom of their heart. No matter how much love and attention is put in, it seems like it’s never ever enough. These kids cannot hold onto the feeling of presence and connection. When it’s there, it’s great. When it’s not, it’s like it was never there to begin with and they’ll never get it again. T…
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Understanding your child's Mental Models, a specific kind of Implicit Memory, can help you make sense of your child's behaviors and helps you know what experiences they need from you to change their beliefs about themselves, relationships, and their sense of safety in the world. In this episode, you’ll learn: What a Mental Model is and how it influ…
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What if understanding memory science and the impact of trauma on memory processing would help our children’s behaviors make sense? You know trauma impacts behavior, but there's a fascinating link between trauma and memory that will give you an even greater understanding of what's shaping your child's confusing behaviors. Understanding memory scienc…
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When your child can't handle hearing 'NO' or gets really dysregulated when a boundary is set, it can be really hard on the whole family. Understanding the role of Frustration Tolerance in your child's reaction to hearing 'NO' can help you set them up for growing this developmental skill. In this episode, you’ll learn: Why some kids are delayed in d…
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A conversation with Melissa Corkum and Lisa Qualls, authors of Reclaim Compassion: The Adoptive Parent's Guide to Overcoming Blocked Care with Neuroscience and Faith about blocked care- what it is, what causes it, and how families can begin to recover. In this episode, you’ll learn: What is blocked care What are the symptoms How can you overcome bl…
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Looking for practical strategies to nourish a fried nervous system? Living with someone who has significant vulnerability in their nervous system can lead to a sensitized stress response system, resulting in unpredictable and sometimes unsafe behaviors. This can leave our own nervous systems in a state of distress. While we often discuss secondary …
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In part 3 of this series on Boundaries with Connection, Juliane Taylor Shore talks us through how boundaries work in relationships with our children - relationships where we have to show up every day - and why it is so important for us to have good psychological boundaries when our children are verbally aggressive. In this episode, you’ll learn: Wh…
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In part 2 of this series on Boundaries with Connection, we explore how to set boundaries that create success by providing structure and containment that offers safety, connection, and co-regulation. In this episode, you’ll learn: How boundaries can create physical and emotional safety How to create the kind of boundaries your child really needs for…
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Focusing on understanding what's driving behavior can sometimes make it feel like we aren't addressing the behavior at all. It can feel as if we are boundaryless and permissive. This episode sheds light on what boundaries really are and how focusing on regulation, connection and felt-safety increases compassionate boundaries in response to behavior…
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THIS EPISODE IS A REPLAY Understanding behavior helps us actually solve the problem, leads to compassion, and actually helps behavior to change, but first we must understand why we are so afraid that understanding behaviors means we are excusing "bad" behaviors. In this episode, you’ll learn: The difference between understanding behavior and excusi…
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Does your child yell, scream, or otherwise refuse to talk about their owl, watchdog, or possum brain? They tell you it’s stupid or tell you to stop talking or get extra silly or just don’t talk? I hear this from a LOT of parents (and I experienced it a lot in the play therapy room). This doesn’t mean it doesn’t work for your child. Promise. In this…
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In this episode, I unravel how to extend connection to our children while acknowledging that some might see this connection as a threat. I offer insights on toning down the demand for connection, enabling our children to relax in it, and thereby strengthen their stress response system. I also reference the previous episodes in this four-part series…
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If offering safety and connection is the antidote to oppositional behavior, what do you do if connection isn’t experienced as safe or regulating by your child? In this episode you’ll learn: How connection and protection can get tied together How to keep offering connection, even when it’s consistently rejected by your child The science behind why Y…
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Last week we talked about the science of oppositional behavior. This week, let’s look at strategies to help children rest into felt safety so their nervous system feels better and their oppositional protective strategies can decrease. In this episode you’ll learn: An invitation to consider some of our cultural beliefs around opposition in the paren…
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What if oppositional behavior is a normal response to feeling unsafe? In this episode, we unfold the layers of oppositional behavior and its roots in the nervous system. We look into the diagnostic complexities of Oppositional Defiant Disorder and dive into how our own state of the nervous system is important in helping our children navigate their …
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This latest episode unpacks the advanced parenting strategy of 'Match the Energy, but not the Dysregulation', a technique rooted in insights from polyvagal theory and interpersonal neurobiology. It’s a nuanced approach that requires resilience and patience, but when applied consistently, it can offer a remarkably accurate emotional mirror for your …
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If you're thinking about joining The Club (between now and October 3), let me fill you in on some of the details! In this bonus episode you'll learn: The real reason The Club works What you get when you join The Club Club bonuses How The Club could help your family How easy it is to leave The Club when you're ready Check out all the details and reg…
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Marshall Lyles is here with me today to help me reflect on the journey of bringing Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors into the world. I knew Marshall was just the person to ask to help me with this. He asked questions I was so grateful to reflect on. Thank you for witnessing this experience for me and allowing me to accompany your journey. B…
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Happy happy birthday to Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors. I wanted to celebrate with you! Y'all mean soooo much to me and resonating in the excitement of the book with you felt really important. This episode contains a short reading from the book that I hope you enjoy! If you've received the book already and have had a chance to read it, w…
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