How to Deal With F'd Up Parents - Happy Thanksgiving

DJ Valerie B LOVE Show

Aloha LOVE Tribe,
I am trying a new experiment. Check it out.
I LOVE tech and AI and anything that can synthesize data points and help me become a better version of myself more efficiently and effectively.
This experiment does not remove or replace the absolute need for proof of work via testing assumptions through experiential learning.
I am going through some very intense (like gutwrenching buckle up buttercup WTF intense) challenges as a Mom, woman, friend, lover, and human and had a deep conversation over Pad Thai with a very special person in my life yesterday about parental forgiveness, shame, and LOVE.
This person has known me for decades and probably knows me, my history and my family more than almost anyone yet still has limited compassionate understanding of my internal operating system and what is like to live in my skin.
NO ONE can ever understand how others operate.
No matter how many books, podcasts, courses, degrees, hours of therapy, doses of psychedelics, expert status blah blah - no human can fully understand another and to claim so is BS and dangerous to human connection and peace.
So - I am doing a blended post with this experiment with writing and video because I seem to flow better when just talking and I hope it helps you along your journey of self-love, self-forgiveness, self-discovery, and compassion and empathy.
BELOW = PERPLEXITY
The Journey to Forgiving Our Parents: A Path to Personal Healing
The complex journey of forgiving our parents stands as one of life's most profound challenges and opportunities for growth. As adults, we come to realize that our parents were simply humans trying to raise other humans, carrying their own wounds and limitations.
Understanding Parental Forgiveness
Forgiveness of our parents isn't about excusing harmful behavior or pretending everything was perfect. Rather, it's about releasing ourselves from the burden of resentment and creating space for healing[1]. This internal process allows us to move forward while acknowledging both the pain and the humanity in our shared story.
The Psychology of Parent-Child Wounds
The Impact of Early Experiences
Our childhood experiences with our parents form the foundation of how we relate to others throughout our lives. Research shows that parental acceptance in childhood significantly influences our ability to forgive as adults[4]. When we experience rejection or hurt from our parents, these wounds can continue to affect us well into adulthood, influencing our relationships and emotional well-being.
Breaking Generational Patterns
"Forgiveness is the key to resolving the pain of the past and breaking generational patterns. Without it, nothing is ever laid to rest. The past still operates in the present"[1]. This profound truth highlights how unresolved parental issues can perpetuate through generations unless we actively work to heal them.
The Benefits of Forgiving Parents
Personal Growth and Healing
Research indicates that forgiveness has numerous positive effects on individual traits, family relationships, and overall family environment[3]. When we forgive our parents, we:
- Experience improved mental and physical health
- Develop better relationship skills
- Break free from destructive patterns
- Create healthier boundaries
- Foster emotional maturity
Steps Toward Forgiveness
1. Understanding Their Story
Take time to learn about your parents' own life experiences and challenges. Understanding the context of their behavior can foster compassion without excusing harmful actions[6]. Consider their own upbringing, struggles, and the societal pressures they faced.
2. Acknowledging Reality
Have realistic expectations about your parents' capacity for change. Accept that they did the best they could with their available resources, beliefs, and abilities[1]. This doesn't minimize your pain but provides a framework for understanding.
3. Finding Balance
Focus on both the challenging and positive aspects of your parents. Create a balanced perspective by:
- Identifying their positive characteristics and actions
- Acknowledging their human limitations
- Recognizing their own unhealed wounds
- Understanding the context of their choices[1]
The Process of Healing
Internal Work
The journey of forgiveness requires changes in thinking, feeling, and acting. It's a process that demands patience and perseverance[7]. Consider these aspects:
Emotional Processing
When we learn to hold space for our true feelings without judgment, we make significant progress toward healing[6]. This includes:
- Acknowledging hurt and anger
- Processing grief
- Releasing resentment
- Developing compassion
Setting Boundaries
Forgiveness doesn't mean returning to harmful patterns. Establish healthy boundaries that protect your well-being while allowing for potential healing in the relationship[7].
Moving Forward
Creating New Patterns
As we work through forgiving our parents, we often discover parts of them in ourselves, our relationships, and our parenting styles[6]. This awareness allows us to:
- Choose different responses
- Break negative cycles
- Create healthier relationships
- Parent more consciously
Acceptance and Growth
True forgiveness involves radical acceptance of what was and what is[6]. This means:
- Accepting the past cannot be changed
- Acknowledging your parents' humanity
- Recognizing your own growth and healing
- Finding peace with imperfection
The Impact on Future Generations
When we forgive our parents, we don't just heal ourselves; we create positive change for future generations[5]. This transformation:
- Breaks cycles of hurt
- Models healthy relationship patterns
- Teaches emotional intelligence
- Demonstrates the power of forgiveness
Conclusion
Forgiving our parents is a profound act of self-love and healing. It's not about forgetting or excusing, but about freeing ourselves from the weight of past hurts and creating space for growth. As we embrace this journey, we not only heal our own wounds but contribute to breaking generational patterns of pain, creating a legacy of emotional health and wisdom for future generations[1].
Remember that forgiveness is a personal journey that unfolds at its own pace. There's no timeline for healing, and the process looks different for everyone. What matters is taking those first steps toward understanding, acceptance, and ultimately, freedom from the past.
Citations:
[1] https://www.solutionsforresilience.com/forgive-your-parents/
[2] https://www.leslieleylandfields.com/blog/slieleylandfields.com/p/forgiving-our-fathers-and-mothers.html
[3] https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18211179/
[4] https://today.uconn.edu/2024/05/relationship-study-says-parental-acceptance-in-childhood-predicts-ability-to-forgive-as-adults/
[5] https://everthinehome.com/how-to-forgive-your-parents/
[6] https://www.consciousmommy.com/post/how-to-forgive-your-parents-to-heal-yourself
[7] https://extension.umn.edu/divorce-and-other-family-transitions/importance-forgiveness
[8] https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/28375300.2024.2310432
[9] https://www.crosswalk.com/family/singles/how-to-forgive-your-parents-for-childhood-pain.html
🔥 LISTEN TO EPISODE HERE

https://serve.podhome.fm/episodepage/djvalerieblove/190

(00:33) Introduction and Personal Update

(01:31) The Power of Communication

(02:19) Family Dynamics and Spiritual Growth

(05:25) The Importance of Practice and Being in the Ring

(08:25) Opportunities for Growth During Family Gatherings

(10:58) The Journey of Forgiveness

(13:46) Understanding Parents and Personal Healing

(18:58) Trusting Your Intuition

(23:35) Therapy and Self-Discovery

(29:30) Crisis and Transformation

(35:31) Lessons and Blessings in Life

(42:35) Self-Reflection and Forgiveness Exercise

(46:30) Conclusion and Final Thoughts

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