You Gain the Most

Living Emunah By Rabbi David Ashear

There are people who have been hurt in the past by others and were never able to get over it. They carry the pain with them and hold a deep-rooted grudge towards the individuals that hurt them. Holding on to pain and carrying around negative energy is very detrimental. It is a very big test to be able to forgive and move on, but the person must know that by doing it, he will be the one who gains the most. We believe, be'munah shelema, that people do not have the ability to harm us. They are only messengers carrying out the will of Hashem. With that emunah, it becomes easier to forgive. Rabbi Braverman told that after a class he gave, a thirty-year-old woman came over to him and was bemoaning the fact that she hadn't even gone on one date in the past ten years. She told the rabbi the reason was because at age nineteen, half a week before her wedding, her chatan called it off. He had already called the hall to cancel a full week before that, but she didn't know about it yet. Other people knew that her wedding was canceled even before she did. It was so humiliating. She would never forgive him for it. The rabbi told her she was missing some details in this story. The woman was taken aback and asked the rabbi if he suspected her of lying about it. The rabbi said, "No, but the way you should tell the story is as follows." "Ten years ago, Hashem saved me from marrying someone who would have been terrible for me. He did a miracle and made the guy back out for no good reason, just to save me." The rabbi continued, for the past ten years, instead of thanking Hashem for saving you from a bitter marriage, you have been punishing yourself instead. The woman never considered looking at it that way. This new perspective enabled her to let go of all the anger she was holding onto. Shortly after that meeting with the rabbi, she met the person that became her husband. By holding onto grudges, we are the ones who lose the most. Rabbi Goel El-Karif told a similar story of a couple that couldn't have children for six years. When the doctor gave them the devastating news that there was no hope, that is when the rosh kollel of the boy told the couple he might know the problem that is preventing them from conceiving. He told the boy, you broke off an engagement, but you never got forgiven from the girl. The boy felt that he was justified in breaking it off and never thought that he needed to ask forgiveness for it. The rosh kollel went to speak to the family of that girl and saw how bitter she was about it. She herself had never gotten married and felt the reason was partly because she was humiliated by having her engagement called off. They then did everything in their power to get forgiven and after a lot of hard effort, the girl finally forgave him. Within that year, the girl got engaged. Her chatan was everything she could have ever wanted. She saw so clearly that Hashem gave her the salvation she had been anticipating for years. But she also saw that the couple she forgave was still not blessed with children. That is when she really worked much harder to truly forgive to the point that she herself was praying for them to have children. Baruch Hashem, a few months later, the good news came. The couple was expecting. Again, we see that the grudge this woman was holding onto was preventing her from moving forward. Hashem runs the world. Nobody could affect another individual if it's not what Hashem wants. If someone understands this, it will make it easier to forgive. And by forgiving, we are helping ourselves the most.