Is Your People Pleasing a Problem?

The Greatness Together Podcast

In our last podcast episode, we promised to explore the idea of living for ourselves rather than living for others. As we prepared for this episode, we realized that, at its core, this is about deconstructing people pleasing. Coming from a long line of kind and accommodating people, we’ve often noticed how easy it is to prioritize harmony by setting aside our own needs. But is there a point where this habit of compromise crosses into unhealthy territory?

Quote of the Week:

"We don’t do others a favour when we fail to support ourselves." Sarah McVanel

Greatness Together Podcast Highlights:

• Deconstructing People Pleasing. 0:00
• Noticing the concept. 1:00
• Prioritizing others vs. ourselves. 5:00
• Finding a balance. 8:30
• Does society or gender play a role? 10:00
• Is it selfish to put yourself first? 13:00
• When it’s good to be selfish. 15:30
• Next time…Curiosity Unleashed. 22:08

Conflict theorists, such as Ken Thomas and Ralph Kilmann, say compromise often leaves no one truly satisfied. If you’re not so sure, research their model. It’s fascinating.

Sarah grew up thinking that compromise was the healthiest form of navigating conflict. Imagine her surprise when she learned it’s not always, and in some contexts, it does more harm than good. It was a window into the default setting of a card-carrying People Pleaser. And it was a gateway to seeing how it wasn’t always serving her. As she shared in last week’s episode:

People pleasing is a way to be invisible to yourself.

When People Pleasing Becomes Problematic

In this episode, we delve into the moments where people pleasing is not just about being kind but becomes problematic. We discuss how to recognize these moments and what we can do to stop the cycle. Whether in personal relationships, academic contexts, or professional settings, understanding when to draw the line is crucial to maintaining a healthy balance between caring for our needs and prioritizing what others and the group need.

As the saying goes, “Pick your battles.” The key here is “pick.” Others’ needs being the default is not intentional. Those of us set to people pleasing as our default mode may not notice we abdicate (yep, clock the fancy word…we’re serious about this) our needs.

The Roots of People Pleasing

Where does this tendency come from? We explore our personal narratives and societal influences. Sarah has found that professional caregivers often have to battle this, and women (including our lived experience) might be socialized and more likely to internalize this. By examining these influences, we can better understand why many of us fall into people pleasing habits.

When we are more aware, we can leverage that awareness for intentional reflection and action rather than automatic response and reaction.

When Is It Useful, and When Should People Pleasing Be Evicted?

While people pleasing can be harmful, there are times when it can serve a purpose. In certain situations, prioritizing others may be beneficial. For example, is something not that important to you, and it’s apparent that it is to someone else? In this case, you might intentionally prioritize their needs as an act of love, acknowledgement, or support. (Sarah covers this in an article she released recently on the 26 secrets of marriage.)

The key is knowing when it’s functional and when it’s detrimental. We’re curious about how to keep the best parts of this tendency while breaking unhealthy patterns, and we bet you are, too.

Owning Who You Are

Our previous episode discussed the importance of owning who you are. We hope this episode helps you further that journey—standing for your values, needs, and opinions while being an outstanding contributor to your family, friends, community, and workplace. Can we serve both ourselves and others? Absolutely! It requires vigilance, confidence, and a willingness to break free from long-standing habits of people pleasing. After all, those who genuinely care about us will appreciate it when we express and stand for our own needs.

Greatness Together Podcast Links:

Revealed: 26 Insider Secrets to a Successful and Healthy Marriage Do You Own Who You Are Greatness Magnified Subscribe to The Greatness Together Podcast