Episode 25: Integrating Motherhood, Anxiety, and Art-Making in an Ultimate Act of Resistance

The Break Breakdown: A Podcast from Queens Bird Films

I was standing behind the bar at the restaurant where I worked, waiting to hear if I booked a show after a callback, missing my husband who was away performing at a Shakespeare festival for a year, not wanting to go back to my apartment which had no heat in the dead of winter, when a seemingly happy family sauntered in and sat down in the dining room, and I thought:

How am I ever going to be both an artist and a mother?

The artist part of the equation never yielded very reassuring results. Even when I did get paid an equitable amount, it never lasted too long, and was 50/50 if I'd get enough health insurance weeks from it or not. And more than that—I was just so unhappy. I knew I was supposed to be an artist, but I didn't feel like I could find the right space in which to do it. I knew I wanted to be a mom, but I didn't see anyone else doing it. At least, not anyone like me.

So when I did become a mother, I was thrust into the mommy world, and again, felt like I didn't quite fit. Like I was supposed to have opinions on all sorts of things that I hadn't even known were things: co-sleeping or cry it out, puree or no puree, Pitocin or water birth.

But now here I am, both an artist and a mother. And folks will ask me, "How?" And not, "How do you balance this or that?" People more say, "Like how tf does this even work–in GENERAL?" So I'm going to try to answer that question in today's episode. I'm going to tell you exactly how I do it. And sure, not everyone listening to this episode wants to be a mother (respect), but use "mom" as a placeholder for anything you know in your bones you want, even though it makes no sense on paper.

This is the behind-the-scenes, pull back the curtain, deep dive into my mom-artist brain. It's a little messy, a little teary, and it meanders into places like politics and poetry. If we're going to talk about how to be an independent artist, our daily lived experience is certainly a part of that quest. I hope you're fortified and encouraged to do what you want to do, the way YOU want to do it, no matter what that is after giving this one a listen.

**At one point I talk about the movie "Stepmom" and reference Sigourney Weaver. Mom brain. Susan Sarandon. It's Susan Sarandon. Susan Sarandon is in Stepmom. I meant Susan Sarandon. (face palm)**

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