Standing in Two Worlds-Episode 78-with Rabbi Shmuel Skaist LPC, CSAT-Stark Honesty-The initial artifice of courtship must give way to revealing the warts of personality

Yeshiva of Newark Podcast

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Episode 80:
Lack of Transparency in Marriage & Its Repercussions

Rabbis Skaist and Kivelevitz join Prof. Juni in a brainstorming panel discussion about a common source of marital difficulties in traditional orthodox religious culture. R. Kivelevitz describes the initial contrived dating experience as one in which each partner presents deceptively as perfect and in line with prescribed ideals. The discussants agree that this mode is a
harbinger of consistent misrepresentations in the future of resulting relationships.

R. Skaist notes that the reality of the culture is such that
initial transparency during dating would inevitably lead the other partner to abort the relationship before it develops. He deplores that mentors in the system explicitly advise those dating to avoid sharing information that might lower their image. Moreover, there is no timeline for the introduction of
transparency into the budding relationship at all.

Sharing his experience as a mentor and Dayan (member of a religious court), R. Kivelevitz reports that this situation is a major contributor to sexual and intimacy difficulties in marriages. It is further exacerbated by the dissonance between the self-professed lofty (and unrealistic) views espoused during
the dating experiences and the reality that most orthodox couples violate the official proscriptions against intimacy during their dating experience to some degree.

Markedly, these couples often proceed into a marriage where the discrepancy between ideals and behavior is never discussed.

Dr. Juni suggests that many of these difficulties could be avoided if educators and mentors in the system advise transparency during the dating process with the explicit messages that… a) no one’s reality matches the ideal
(i.e., everyone has several skeletons in his/her closet); and b) lack of transparency is bound to harm (and possibly explode) any long-term relationship. Thus, it is not a question of “whether”your prospective partner has weaknesses or liabilities (just as you do), but rather “what” those liabilities are.

Juni stresses that the Yeshiva culture does not share the Western mental health attitude which values transparency in relationships. Specifically, It is OK to live a positively motivated lie if you can pull it off – be it the fact that you are on certain medications, you watch pornography occasionally, you
engage in illegal betting occasionally, or that you have an arrest record.

R. Skaist discusses the dynamics of Betrayal Trauma which occurs when one discovers deception that has been perpetrated by a spouse. Noting that this
is seen as a clinical lack of integrity and a devaluation of the other, he stresses that such betrayal is classified as a form of abuse by martial experts.

Drawing on his experience with troubled couples, R. Kivelevitz adds that the “perpetrators” of such abuse are often unaware that their past has been problematic, and are surprised when it begins to cause marital strife.

What constitutes marital abuse? Juni insists that any consensual behavior is not considered abusive regardless of the values that may be violated. However,difficulties with this criterion, as applied to the orthodox Jewish culture, are
raised by the discussants. R. Kivelevitz notes Halachic prescriptions and proscriptions in the areas of sexuality as examples. R. Skaist notes that the culture explicitly calls for the wife’s submission to the husband’s proclivities.
R. Kivelevitz also points to “soft coercion” tactics (e.g. manipulation, incessant pleading, inducing guilt trips, etc.) as gray areas in defining abuse.

R. Soloveitchik’s treatise on Halachic Courage is discussed, as R. Kivelevitz applies that idea as giving priority to halachic obligations over emotional needs. R. Skaist argues that while such a notion may exist as an ideal one may personally strive towards, one who “demands” such a sacrifice
from a spouse is definitely committing abuse.

Based on his experiences with couples suing for divorce, R. Kivelevitz notes that, even on a personal level,
striving toward such lofty ideals if one is not at such a sublime spiritual level (which includes almost all folks) typically engenders significant psychiatric damage to an individual.

Taking up the issue of whether abusers can change, R. Kivelevitz raises
the notions of Teshuva (repentance) while R. Skaist points to significant behavioral changes evidenced by recovering addicts. Dr. Juni, however, insists on drawing the line between character flaws that pertain to oneself (which may
be ameliorated by psychological/psychiatric intervention) vs. flaws in interpersonal relations which are predicated by a functional lack of integrity of the other.
He is adamant that abusers will continue to abuse – even if the abuse frequency is moderated by genuine guilt, repentance, and various medical or counseling interventions.

R. Skaist points out that in Yeshiva culture spouses are often loathe to dissolve abusive relationships for social and religious reasons. The discussants agree that interventions to mitigate abuse are warranted in such cases – even if abuse may not be eliminated entirely. It is clear, however, that transparency is the key to the relative success of such efforts. Indeed, R. Kivelevitz reports that “confessions” by one spouse about his/her handicaps often prompt reciprocal “confessions’ from the other spouse as well.
When this occurs, mental health professionals may then attempt to work with the couple to shift into a relationship mode predicated on the notion that neither spouse
is perfect, as they help the couple explore a viable living arrangement where the hurt is minimized and positive experiences are enhanced.

Prof. Juni is one of the foremost research psychologists in the world today. He has published ground-breaking original research in seventy different peer reviewed journals and is cited continuously with respect by colleagues and experts in the field who have built on his theories and observations.

He studied in Yeshivas Chaim Berlin under Rav Yitzchak Hutner, and in Yeshiva University as a Talmid of Rav Joseph Dov Soloveitchik. Dr. Juni is a board member of the Association of Orthodox Jewish Scientists and has regularly presented addresses to captivated audiences. Associated with NYU since 1979, Juni has served as Director of PhD programs, all the while heading teams engaged in cutting-edge research. Professor Juni's scholarship on aberrant behavior across the cultural, ethnic, and religious spectrum is founded on psychometric methodology and based on a psychodynamic psychopathology perspective. He is arguably the preeminent expert in Differential Diagnostics, with each of his myriad studies entailing parallel efforts in theory construction and empirical data collection from normative and clinical populations.

Professor Juni created and directed the NYU Graduate Program in Tel Aviv titled Cross-Cultural Group Dynamics in Stressful Environments. Based in Yerushalayim, he collaborates with Israeli academic and mental health specialists in the study of dissonant factors and tensions in the Arab-Israeli conflict and those within the Orthodox Jewish community, while exploring personality challenges of second-generation Holocaust survivors.

Below is a partial list of the professional journals where Professor Juni has published 120 theoretical articles and his research findings (many are available online):

Journal of Forensic Psychology; Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment, and Trauma; International Review of Victimology; The Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease; International Forum of Psychoanalysis; Journal of Personality Assessment; Journal of Abnormal Psychology; Journal of Psychoanalytic Anthropology; Psychophysiology; Psychology and Human Development; Journal of Sex Research; Journal of Psychology and Judaism; Contemporary Family Therapy; American Journal on Addictions; Journal of Criminal Psychology; Mental Health, Religion, and Culture.

As Rosh Beis Medrash, Rabbi Avraham Kivelevitz serves as Rav and Posek for the morning minyan at IDT. Hundreds of listeners around the globe look forward to his weekly Shiurim in Tshuvos and Poskim and Gaonic Literature.

Rav Kivelevitz is a Maggid Shiur for Dirshu International in Talmud and Halacha as well as a Dayan with the Beth Din of America.

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