Speaking the Truth in Love // Dealing with Difficult People, Part 4

Christianityworks Official Podcast

One of the hardest things in life is to bring a difficult issue to a head in a relationship that really matters to us. So how do you speak the truth in love?

Giving the Hard Advice

I’d like to share a story with you as we open the program today. A few years ago I was working as a consultant in the Information Technology Industry and I was called into an organisation to do a review of how they were doing their whole IT function. And I had to go to the Chief Executive Officer of this fairly high profile organisation and give him some bad news.

To say, “look, you’re performance in this area is really poor. Your organisation is at very significant risk, and by the way, I think you actually need to remove this particular senior manager from the job that they’re doing in Information Technology.” It involves substantial reforms, affecting the livelihood of a good many people to improve the whole IT function in this particular organisation, and it was a review that I conducted that was born out of conflicting views in the organisation, so my job was to give them the hard advice.

It was difficult; it was painful for the organisation to accept and I guess, over the twenty or so years that I’ve been involved in that sort of work, eighty percent of what I did was to give hard advice. Sometimes organisations didn’t listen, I remember one organisation that didn’t listen to the advice that I gave and it ended up costing them over eighteen million to fix it.

Sometimes they’re not just ready to receive the advice and sometimes, not very often though, they’re eager to accept the hard advice because things are so bad they need to change. I’m convinced that in a professional role like that, giving the hard advice is absolutely the right thing to do because sometimes issues have to be confronted in order for them to be resolved. Let me say that again, sometimes issues have to be confronted in order for them to be resolved.

I guess I’m a peace loving sort of individual and really I’d rather sweep things under the carpet - I’d rather not have to confront issues but sometimes we do and it’s the same in personal relationships, in our personal lives. We people have the most amazing ability to hurt one another, don’t we? You just look at the news at night on television or look in our personal lives. People hurt people. How do we deal with that? How do we function in situations that are deeply hurtful? Do we just maintain the peace? Do we confront the person? When do we confront them? How do we deal with the issue with them? Why do we confront them?

This program is the last in the series of four messages called, 'Dealing with Difficult People'. Three weeks ago we began with a parable that Jesus told about the speck in your eye and the plank in my eye. And we looked at the fact that so often we’re a bit hypocritical in our motives. We go to other people and say, "you’ve got this wrong with you.” When there’s something much bigger wrong with us that we need to deal with first and ultimately, because I am with me 24/7 and you are with you 24/7, I’m the most difficult person I’ll ever meet and you are the most difficult person that you’ll ever meet. That was the first program.

The second one we looked at what do we do when we are 'Under Fire from the Enemy'. When we’re suffering for doing what’s right. We looked at First Peter chapter 3 verses 8 to 18 and we saw that it is better to suffer for doing good (if suffering is God’s will) than for doing evil. That’s a tough message. That’s not easy for us to come to grips with, but it’s important for us to understand that sometimes it is God’s will that we should suffer for doing what’s right and when we come to grips with that - when Jesus is in that place with us and we know it, gee, it’s so much easier to deal with.

And then last week we saw that ‘We can Pick our Friends but we can’t Pick our Relatives’. And we looked at First Peter chapter 3 verses 1 to 7, about how husbands and wives and families sometimes have difficult situations to deal with and rather than brow-beating one another, God’s looking for the lasting beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in His sight. So today, we’re going to look at the whole balance - to finish this series off, to round it out - of asserting ourselves on the one hand and suffering on the other because life needs to be a balance between those two things.

Boundaries are important, sometimes we do need to assert ourselves and if we go the world’s way; if we just say, “look, I have rights, buddy and I‘m going to insist on my rights.” If we say that, then ultimately that reduces us down to a state where abortion is ok; where we can just kill a child; where we can kill other people; where we can hurt other people, because we just insist on our own rights but it’s not like that.

Life is a balance between asserting ourselves on the one hand and humbling ourselves - sometimes suffering in that humility - on the other side. And when you look through God’s Word; through the Bible, there are precious few Scriptures that tell us how to assert ourselves. Most of what God says through His Word is about humbling ourselves; about dying to ourselves; about taking up our cross and following Him. It’s not much at all about asserting ourselves; in fact there are only two real Scriptures that I know of that talk about asserting ourselves. Matthew chapter 18 and Ephesians chapter 4 and we are going to look at both of those today in this message.

It’s something that I’ve struggled with over the years because from my business environment; from just the things that I did for all of those years before I came to Christ, I know that boundaries are important; I know that asserting myself is important but I was really surprised to find that there was precious little Biblical teaching on it - or so it seems, when you look at what Jesus talked about; when you look at what Paul talked about. So that’s the context of this message - we are going to look at the subject of asserting ourselves in those difficult situations - of speaking the truth in love. How do you do that? When do you do that? Why do you do that? Not from the world’s perspective, but from God’s perspective; from a Biblical perspective. Let me read to you Matthew chapter 18 verse 15. It says this:

If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone and if the member listens to you, you have regained that one, but if you are not listened too, take one or two others along with you so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses.

If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church and if the offender refuses even to listen to the church, let such a one to you be like a gentile or a tax collector. Truly, I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again truly I tell you, if two of you agree on earth about anything you ask, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For two or three are gathered together in my name, I am there amongst them.

This passage is about asserting ourselves - it is in the context of another member of the church doing something wrong to us but there are some broader principles in this passage that I think we can look at and that’s what we are going to do next.

Motives Matter

Well, Jesus does talk about it in Matthew chapter 18 - asserting ourselves when another member of the church sins against us. And you listen to that and you say, “right, I go to that person and I talk to them on their own, if that doesn’t work, I take a couple of other witnesses with me, if that doesn’t work I take it to the church and if that doesn’t work, you little beauty, we boot them out!” Um, but let’s have a look at what else Jesus said, just around that same passage, in Matthew chapter 18 because it provides some context beforehand.

If you look at chapter 18 verses 1 to 5. If you have a Bible, grab it, open it and we’ll have a look together. It says this:

At this time, the disciples came to Jesus and said: “Look, who is the greatest in the Kingdom of heaven?” and He called a little child and He put the child amongst them and said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like children, you’ll never enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Whoever becomes humble like this child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven and whoever welcomes one such child in my name, welcomes me.”

And again just flick down there to verse 10 - He talks about the lost sheep “Take care that you do not despise one of these little ones for I tell you, in heaven, their angels continually see the face of my Father. What do you think if a shepherd has one hundred sheep and one of them goes astray, doesn’t he leave the ninety nine and go into the mountains and search for that one that went astray? And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he rejoices over it more than the ninety nine that never went astray. So it is not the will of your Father in heaven that one of these little ones should be lost.

Well, that kind of jars with our worldly view. You know, that sets the scene for this discussion on dealing with someone who sins against us. It seems to be in contrast, doesn’t it? On the one hand, Jesus is saying, "humble yourself, be like a little child and if one person goes astray, go after them and love them and bring them back into the Kingdom of God". And then He flows right on and talks about ... well, if someone sins against you, escalate the issue, deal with them first and then go on. But if someone sins against you, go and see them, take some friends, take it to the church and if that doesn’t work, boot them out.

Let me ask you - how easy is it for you and me to get hard advice about something we have done wrong? It’s not is it, particularly if it’s a stranger or if it’s someone whom we don’t trust or don’t respect. Will we take hard advice from someone like that?

Probably not, but someone whom we respect; whom we trust, someone whom we see be a wonderful leader, yet humble themselves - when they speak in our interests, they have a right; they have built a bridge of trust into our lives; a bridge of influence and that bridge of influence - that whole concept of developing relationships and having a bridge; having a right to speak into someone’s life - I think is underrated in our society and indeed, in our church. Who will be the greatest among us? Jesus said, “the one who is the servant of us all.”

When I was doing this consulting work as an independent consultant, I had two options. I could either give advice that was in the client’s interest or I could give advice that was in my interest; you know - string the job along, get more money. And fairly early on in the piece, I figured out, you know, I just give advice that’s always in the client’s interest, ultimately they figure that out. If I don’t give self-interested advice but I give advice that’s in their interest, they will keep inviting me back which is exactly what happened over a couple of decades.

In those first fourteen verses of Matthew chapter 18, I think Jesus is drawing a picture of someone with the right motives. Someone who can be trusted, isn’t He? Be like little children, humble yourselves, go after that one lost sheep, bring them back. Jesus is talking about having a right heart and that sets the scene for the discussion on what to do when someone sins against us.Look at chapter 18 verse 15 again, of Matthew’s Gospel:

If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one.

If he or she listens ... what? You get justice, you get rights, you get everything you deserve? No! If they listen you’ve regained that person for the Kingdom of God. If someone sins against you, go and see them on their own and try and bring them back. Try and reconcile; try and love, work in their interest, not in your interest. The Greek language that sits under that word ‘sins against you’ is strong. It means literally, if someone sins into you - into your life; when there’s anger and when there’s hurt - how do you react? Come out punching; punish them; get your rights? That’s not what Jesus is saying.

Jesus is saying; go there in humility and strength - go there with the guileless, candor of childhood, with a heart for that one lost sheep, with an attitude that says, "ee all make mistakes; my role is to serve you by loving you back into the Kingdom of God - by loving you Christ-ward.” With that attitude, draw them quietly aside at the right moment and tell them the truth, with an attitude and a motive to reconcile.

What happens when you or I make a mistake and someone goes and runs around and talks behind our back? Does that build trust; does that build relationship? It hurts doesn’t it? We all make mistakes and when someone else goes and puts them up on a neon sign and flashes them up in front of other people’s eyes, we hate that. Well so do other people.

Why is it sometimes, when someone hurts us - they make a mistake - we feel we have to race around and berate them to other people? Look at the sequence Jesus has - if another member of the church sins against you, what should you do? Pick up the phone; ring all your friends; tell them all about this horrible person? No! Go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. That’s the first step; with a right motive and a right heart - go and do it; just pull them quietly aside at the right time.

You know, sometimes when you’re trying hard and you’re working your guts out in the church for other people, inadvertently someone hurts you. Their weaknesses rub up against you and then people pick that one fault and gossip behind your back. It doesn’t feel real wonderful. How positive is that in rectifying the situation? It violates our trust. First go there with the right heart and pull them quietly aside. But when should we do that? Exactly when should we do that? We’ll look at that question next.

When Can I Say It?

Well, so when do we confront people? Obviously when they’ve wronged us. If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If that doesn’t work, bring a couple of friends, if that doesn’t work, raise it with the church, if that doesn’t work - done! If confronted with the issue, we’ll kick them out of church, you little beauty! Well, let’s read on. Verse 21:

Then Peter came to Him and said: “Well, Lord, how does this work? If another member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive them, seven times? And Jesus said: “No, not seven times but I tell you, seventy seven times.” Isn’t it amazing, when someone hurts us, when they do it once, we can kind of get over it. They do it twice; we go - hang on a minute. They do it a third time and we think - that’s it, I’ve had enough.

See, Peter was thinking - well, seven times was a lot of times to forgive and Jesus went - no, no, let me explain to you, let me go right over the top - seventy seven times. Imagine forgiving someone seventy seven times for the same thing? That’s such a difficult call. I mean that would require so much prayer and careful judgement but you know something, I believe that Jesus is saying this - when should we confront someone? When we’ve forgiven them!

Because, you know what, if we confront someone before we forgive them, what we primarily want is justice, we want revenge; we want our right. But if we confront them after we’ve forgiven them, you know, we’re not interested in justice anymore because we’ve forgiven them. We can then focus on that person’s needs and that’s after all, the purpose of confronting them. If another member of the church sins against you, go point out the fault when the two of you are alone, if the member listens to you, you have regained that one.

If I confront them before I forgive them, I’m acting out of anger and pain. If I confront them after I’ve forgiven them, I’m acting out of love and that’s exactly what we are called to do.Flick over, if you have a Bible, to Ephesians chapter 4 verse 15. It says simply this:

Speak the truth in love.

And then look at chapter 4 of Ephesians verses 25 and 26:

Put away all falsehood. Let us speak the truth to our neighbours because we are members of one another. Sure, be angry but don’t sin, don’t let the sun go down on your anger and don’t make room for the devil. Thieves, give up stealing and stuff, let no evil talk come out of your mouths but only what is useful for building up as there is need, so that your words may give grace to those who hear.

Ties together, doesn’t it? “Put away from you all the bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, be kind to one another - tender hearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ has forgiven you. Therefore, be imitators of God, beloved children, and live in love as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us - a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”

Do you know when someone sins against us; when someone hurts us, and we just want to rip their heads off, Jesus is saying here, be humble like a child. Be interested in that person who has done wrong; who has strayed away from God. Forgive them first and then go to them, quietly. Just at the right time - pray about it, wait for my timing and try and bring them back into the Kingdom of God - point out their mistake and you know something, I believe that when we forgive someone, we are less likely to confront them. We watch and we listen and we love and we pray and we observe and we build bridges of trust and influence with our behaviour and then, if we feel the Holy Spirit saying: “Go and talk to this person,” then we can go and talk to them in love, in truth, having forgiven them.

Which of us, who as parents, would apply Jesus teaching, beginning at Matthew chapter 18 verse 15, legalistically to our own children? Ok, if a child does the wrong thing, I’ll go and talk to them on their own - go in their bedroom, sit them down and say, “you’ve done wrong,” If he does it again, well, mum and dad will both go and talk to them. And if he does it again, well, the third time, we’ll just kick him out of the house.”

Of course, we just wouldn’t do that. We cut our children an enormous amount of slack, just the way our parents cut us an enormous amount of slack. I deserved to be kicked out of home so many times and they just kept loving me because that’s what we’re called to do. We’re called to deal with the issue and forgive, to forgive, to forgive and to deal with them in their interests.

This is a very familiar pattern to us and yet when we grow up and we’re dealing with other people who hurt us, we just want to react; we want to get revenge; we want them to have to do the right thing, but Jesus is calling us to speak the truth in love. That’s the key! And Jesus’ grace said, “not seven times, no, seventy seven times.”

In other words, lots of times. Can I encourage you, where people are sinning against you and hurting you, that there is a time to assert yourself but that time comes when we have the right heart attitude and we can only have the right heart attitude when we forgive; when we are humble like little children. When our desire is for this person who has hurt us, to be brought back to God - that’s the time that we should assert ourselves; when we have forgiven them.

You know something, forgiving is not an easy thing to do. I have a lot of difficulty sometimes in forgiving because when people hurt, it hurts, you know, and there is something inside us, it’s the way we are wired, where we want justice, we want recompense, we want them to acknowledge their mistakes. But Jesus died for us while we were still sinners, He was proactive; He was pre-emptive in His forgiveness, and that’s what He’s calling us to be here. What world would we live in if we first forgave and then discussed?

If we first humbled ourselves and then quietly, without blabbing to everyone what this person has done wrong - just quietly pulled them aside and loved them and encouraged them and spoke the truth in love, in a way that they knew that we were acting in their interests not our own. Trying to bless them rather than get revenge.

You know, when I was a consultant in the IT industry, I had no position of authority. I couldn’t tell anybody to do anything in the organisations where I went to work. It appears to be a position of weakness, yet I would walk into board-rooms and CEO’s offices and give the hard advice and literally, speak the truth in love, in that advice and half the time I’d get a bad reaction. I remember one project I worked on for almost ten years.

It was in New Zealand with a government department and sometimes I had to go in and tell the CEO of this department some really tough things and when he retired I went to his retirement bash and people told stories about him and how he used to wave his finger at people and I said to him afterwards, “you used to wave your arms at me,” and he said, “you know, sometimes, Berni, you really annoyed me with your advice, but I knew - I knew - you were giving me the hard advice in my interest.”

What sort of a world would we live in, if you and I, when other people hurt us, at the end of the day, forgave them and just spoke the truth in love?