Invisible Wounds Healing From Trauma Episode 17: What is a Healthy Relationship?

Invisible Wounds: Healing From Trauma

Hey there, it’s Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 17 and we’re going to talk about what a healthy relationship is, and what it looks like!

I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma Support Specialist with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.

Alright let’s dive in!

In the last few episodes, we’ve talked about attachment styles, how trauma leaves us full of holes, how we don’t know things if we didn’t have healthy role models in our lives to teach us, and boundaries. I’ve been laying the foundation to begin to talk about relationships. I’m going to start with healthy relationships, because it’s so important for us as trauma survivors to know what that looks and feels like.

When we’re born, we develop attachment to our caregivers, based on how we get our needs met. Whether it’s healthy or unhealthy, those are our first relationships. Those attachments, either good or bad, determine how we develop relationships throughout our lives.

I talked a bit in episode 16 while discussing boundaries, that relationships are created in “layers.” When you meet someone for the first time, there is usually an exchange of polite introductory conversation, you know “Hi, how are you, nice to meet you”. Often unconsciously, we take a measure of the other person. We take in tone of voice, body language, eye contact, everything that our senses can take in about that person. Depending on the situation and environment, if our senses tell us that this is a person we’d like to talk with further, we might ask some general questions, and see if there are any shared interests. If we find common ground, we connect a bit more. Then maybe, you make plans to meet for coffee, or exchange phone numbers to keep in touch. These are the first layers of building a relationship. This could be the beginning of a friendship, business colleague, or romantic relationship. Any relationship should take time to grow. It takes time to get to know another person before you begin to trust them and know that they are a “safe” person. As trauma survivors, our views of relationships can get turned upside down because of what we’ve gone through. We have those “holes” trauma leaves in us, and we’re desperate to fill up those empty spaces in ourselves. We often don’t make good choices in our relationships, or we go through many relationships one after the other and wonder why they don’t work! Well, if we don’t know what a healthy relationship is, how can we expect to know it?

Healthy relationships are built on many different things. After we go through those initial building layers, and get to know someone more, we can move forward but only if certain things are in place. The first big one is trust! Trust is the first foundational building block of any relationship. We have to be able to trust that the other person is safe, and that they won’t intentionally hurt or misuse us in any way. Yes, people in healthy relationships make mistakes, and can hurt each other too, but in a healthy relationship people can talk things through, admit mistakes, learn from them, and work things through together. The next big piece is respect! Mutual respect is respect that goes both ways: you respect them, and they respect you! Respect is shown by listening to another’s feelings, honoring their boundaries, supporting them in their goals and passions, and by speaking kindly to them. Even when we disagree with others, we do so honestly, not by belittling them, putting them down, or by pointing out THEIR faults. We understand that people make mistakes. You build each other up, not tear each other down! The other person absolutely needs to show you the same behaviors! Respecting each other takes open and honest communication which is the next important piece! Relationships take open and honest communication between people. This also means talking to and treating each other with respect, even if you don’t agree with each other. Healthy communication takes understanding that no one is going to agree with another person all of the time, but we listen openly to what the other person has to say. We feel safe to voice our opinions, thoughts, and emotions back to them, and work through whatever it is together. We know that the other person is willing to work through things together and discuss things without “attacking” us or using hurtful words or actions towards us. Patience is another aspect of a healthy relationship. No one can be patient all of the time of course. However, in a healthy relationship we take into account things that may affect another person. Things like stress, life events, lack of sleep, environment or other things can contribute to someone not “acting like” themselves. We give people the “benefit of the doubt” and can be flexible with our patience when another is not at their best. Empathy is another important piece in a healthy relationship. Empathy is having the ability to put ourselves in “someone else’s shoes” and understand where they are coming from. Even if we disagree with them, we are able to understand how they might be feeling. Empathy in a relationship helps create trust and safety with each other! Flexibility is also very important! Healthy relationships take compromise. We have to be flexible with others, allowing for people to be “human” and understand that others have needs that vary depending on a number of things. This flexibility, however, should not involve another person overstepping and crossing the healthy boundaries we’ve set for ourselves. People in a relationship have to be willing to bend and adjust to changes and growth as needed when dealing with both positive and negative issues, emotions, and challenges. Appreciation and gratitude are other important factors in any relationship. Letting another person know that we are grateful to have them in our lives, and that we appreciate what they do for us can be so powerful! Little things, like telling them “Thank you” for something they did or telling them that you are grateful they are in your life strengthens that bond and just makes the other person feel good! Allowing room for growth is also very important! People change over time, their interests, emotions, space, needs, and other things vary, grow, and change. In making sure we take an interest in and learn what’s important to the other person is essential in maintaining a healthy relationship. Another important aspect is to maintain a healthy balance, an equal “give and take” in a relationship. You both naturally do what is needed for each other. As trauma survivors, we often give all that we have and are to another person, without expecting them to do the same. Over time, that can lead to resentment and anger. Healthy relationships have that good balance of supporting and caring for each other. Resolving conflicts in a healthy way is also important! We have to be willing to talk through issues that come up with respect, empathy, and understanding. We also have to respect not only another person’s boundaries, but our own as well. We can clearly state how we feel about something, listen to the other person’s side, then work together to come up with a solution that works for both parties. This isn’t about “finger pointing” or personally attacking another in any way. Something else that’s important in a healthy relationship is accountability or taking ownership of your own actions. We have to be willing to look inside ourselves, and admit if we were wrong, or made a mistake. It can be really hard not to get defensive or to try and place the blame on others. It’s okay to admit that you made a mistake, we are human, and we all make mistakes, or are wrong about things. The other person also needs to be able to take accountability for their OWN actions in the same way! Another piece of a healthy relationship is forgiveness. This can feel really tricky. We shouldn’t forgive another person for everything, but we need to be able to “pick our battles” and offer forgiveness to another when it’s needed and earned. In a mutual give and take relationship, we tend to know the other person and realize that people make mistakes and will just plain mess up at times. We can give each other when it's safe and makes sense to do so the grace of forgiveness. This forgiveness allows us to move forward and grow. Another important component is being able to be authentically “you” with another. Do you feel safe enough with this other person to be yourself, or do you put on another personality with them? An exception to this might be a business relationship. We all put on that “business” face and personality! But in a personal relationship we have to be able to be ourselves around another. We shouldn’t have to “hide” what we think, feel, say, and do. We also need to be able to be free to be able to be independent and to have a sense of ourselves as a separate person. We can and should have outside interests, other friends, hobbies, and connections that support us as our own unique person! We shouldn’t feel like we have to “define” ourselves or gain self-esteem through our relationship with another person. We have every right to pursue our passions, goals, and interests on our own for ourselves!

All of these things we’ve discussed, with our trauma histories can feel completely foreign and can feel like they are the complete opposite of what we’ve experienced! Knowledge and understanding are the first building blocks, we’re building that foundation. Remember, you have every right to be treated with respect, dignity, safety, compassion, empathy, and love! In any relationship, you shouldn’t have to feel like you give everything, and get little to nothing in return. You deserve to have a safe, happy, nurturing relationship with others. Whether it’s family, a friend, or romantic partner you absolutely deserve all of these things. If you are in a relationship where you are being abused, controlled, or feel unsafe, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for help in leaving safely and for resources. If you are in immediate danger, please call 911! Recognizing what a healthy relationship is takes time. It’s a process so we take things one tiny baby step at a time. We’ll get there together, I promise!

So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that “mindfulness” toolbox we’re building together! Remember, you don’t have to do this now, or at all if you don’t want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.

We always start with our mindful belly breathing. Breathe slowly in through your nose, your belly naturally pushing out as you inhale, to a count of 5. Hold your breath for a count of 1. Then slowly exhale out of your mouth, your belly should naturally move in as you exhale, to a count of 5. Do this five times.

This exercise can be used anytime you need to connect to your body and senses. It’s an easy exercise to use when you feel anxious and works to bring your focus and attention inward.

· You may play calming music during this time, or just have quiet.

· Let's take a moment to trace the lines on the palm of our hands. You can begin on either palm. Take a few seconds to look at the lines on your palm.

· We will use our pointer finger on our other hand to trace all these lines on our palm. Use a steady gentle pressure while tracing.

· While tracing, notice how it feels inside and outside of your body. What do you notice happening in your body? Are you holding any tension? If so, where do you feel it? If you feel tension in your neck, you can gently roll your neck. If it’s in your shoulders, gently roll your shoulders to release the tension. What can you notice outside of your body? What temperature is it? Is it warm, or cool? Can you hear any noise?

· Let’s take about a minute or as long as it feels comfortable for you.

· While tracing, continue with your mindful belly breathing, gently noticing any sensations in your body, releasing tension as you go along.

· After about a minute or when you’re ready, switch hands. Trace the lines on this hand, continuing with your mindful belly breathing, releasing tension that you feel.

· After you're finished, think about how that felt? What did you notice? Did you notice anything inside your body? Did you notice anything outside your body? Do you feel calmer? More grounded and more relaxed?

I hope these exercises are something you found helpful, and it’s more tools to add to our “mindful” toolbox that we’re building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill we’ve learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we’ve learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I’ve also put each exercise to beautiful video and music on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma! Please subscribe if you like what you see and hear!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, and follow me! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever’s on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my websites invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and enddvnow.com.

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcast, music, and listening apps!

Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!