Invisible Wounds Healing From Trauma Episode 18: Unhealthy Relationships

Invisible Wounds: Healing From Trauma

Hey there, it’s Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 18 and we’re going to talk about what an unhealthy relationship is, and what it looks like!

I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma Support Specialist with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.

Alright let’s dive in!

So, in the last few episodes, I’ve kind of been building up towards talking more in depth about relationships. In the last episode, we talked about some of the qualities of a healthy relationship. For so many of us with lived experiences of trauma, we most likely didn’t have ANYONE model a good relationship for us. I know I certainly didn’t! My parents were a horrible example for me, and for many of you I’m sure yours were as well! When we don’t have good role models around us, along with all of the traumatic things we went through, we have no clue about anything, not ourselves, not relationships, nada! We most likely have a complete disconnect with ourselves, we lack self-worth, self-esteem, self-care, self-confidence. We may not believe we deserve to be treated with care, respect, love, and compassion. If no one showed us what those things even looked like, how can we have that for ourselves? If we never had people teach us our worth, value, and importance, how can we believe it about ourselves? If we don’t believe we deserve those things, when we choose people to have relationships with OF ANY KIND, what kind of choices in people do you think we’ll make?

Now I know that because of my childhood traumatic history, I was literally “set up to fail” at relationships. Particularly romantic relationships. When I became that rebellious teen, I went for the “bad boy” types, the ones that really only wanted one thing. Sex was a way for me to seek love (or what I thought was love) and attention. It was a crappy band-aid that would sort of soothe the hurt for a minute, then I’d rip it off over and over again, continually keeping that inner wound bleeding. Every relationship just continued to reinforce my inner belief that I didn’t deserve any better. If some guy threw me any “crumbs,” I’d gobble them up, always looking for more, but never getting any. No one should EVER be satisfied with just getting crumbs from another. What I mean by “crumbs” is that someone gives you just barely enough emotion, feeling, or attention just enough to keep you around. Nothing real, or meaningful. Nothing lasting. I was used by men, like garbage, then tossed out once the “novelty” wore off. I never understood it. I fell deeply “in love” with anyone that showed an interest. I was looking to fill up all of those deep, empty spaces in my soul that trauma had left me with. Every rejection, every end to a relationship, just made those holes deeper, and wider. I knew that whatever happened, it HAD to be my fault, right?

As human beings, it really is hardwired into our DNA to “pair up” to find a partner and further our species. We are living organisms and that’s what all of them do, from the smallest amoeba to the largest animal on the planet, the Blue Whale. A jillion things in humans affect that most basic fact of course. But most of us will meet others and begin relationships romantically at some point in our lives, and rarely just once. So, most of us come with some kind of “baggage” be it emotional, mental, physical, whatever it is, we drag it with us. For those of us with a trauma history, that baggage is old and heavy, like a well-worn suitcase and it gets heavier and harder to carry. As we drag it along, we keep trying to stuff more into it, even though it’s already too much. It gets so big and heavy that our focus keeps shifting to it, trying to find a way to deal with it, maneuver it, so much so that it takes our attention and focus away from other things. Other really important things. Things we need to pay attention to, but we don’t because of that damn heavy baggage!

There are so many signs of what an unhealthy relationship looks like, and there is a difference between an UNHEALTHY relationship, and an ABUSIVE relationship even though unhealthy can at times FEEL abusive! We’re going to talk about unhealthy first and address abusive relationships next in much more depth because of how important it is. No relationship is completely healthy all of the time! People make mistakes, disagree, argue, change, so many things! But in a healthy relationship, people can come together, express themselves, and agree to work together to find a solution. We understand that people have bad days, and that life throws you some curve balls, so we can adjust our understanding on that basis. However, this NEVER justifies abusive behaviors!

An unhealthy relationship lacks trust. You don’t trust your partner enough to be honest with them about anything: your feelings, your activities, your opinions, your interests. You don’t believe being honest with them will lead to anything good. Maybe you feel they won’t listen or won’t appreciate your point of view. You might feel that they’ll get “upset” or might just dismiss your feelings. You may also not trust them about what they tell you. You might feel that they’re “hiding” something from you, or not being truthful with you. Maybe you feel that they make a lot of “excuses” for their actions and behaviors. They may not take “ownership” of those things and won’t admit when they’ve made a mistake. They may put the blame on others or on YOU instead.

On the heels of this is safety and security. If a relationship lacks trust, you aren’t going to feel safe and secure with your partner. If you aren’t physically, emotionally, or mentally feeling safe with another person, you can’t be yourself, your truly authentic self with them. You don’t feel safe sharing things with them. This lack of safety can also lead to insecurity. You might feel that if you do or say the “wrong” thing, that they will leave you. This means that you aren’t able to voice your needs and feelings, and this lack of boundary setting just makes you feel even more awful about the relationship as a whole.

Unhealthy relationships also often involve a lack of respect or complete disrespect of the other person. This could be name calling, crossing over or breaking another’s boundaries, and constantly criticizing and questioning another person’s decisions and choices. There may be a lack of respect for another person’s time and privacy. Maybe either you or your partner break promises to each other. Maybe either you or your partner make important and meaningful decisions without consulting one another. Perhaps they don’t want to hang out with your family or friends, and vice versa: you don’t want to hang out with theirs either. Maybe you both “snoop” on each other by checking their phone messages, or internet browsing history. Then there’s the “silent” treatment. Instead of talking together and working things through, you both “clam up” and don’t talk to each other at all. This is a kind of punishment and makes the other person feel badly, without even knowing the reason for the silence. Something else that’s disrespectful is always interrupting another person who’s talking, whether it’s at home, or in a social setting. This can make the other person feel that their words, thoughts, and opinions are not as important or have less value than theirs.

Then there’s drama, almost CONSTANT drama! Everything that happens is a big deal! Drama can look like over the top behaviors and reactions. Everyone can have both good and bad things happen over the course of a day. But for the drama lover, every little thing just adds up to a big negative blow up. Can’t find your watch? Day ruined! Got stuck in traffic? Why does everything happen to me? Couldn’t find a parking space? My life sucks!! This constant knee-jerk reaction to even the simplest of things can really take a toll on a relationship. The other party may begin to avoid telling the other person even the smallest of issues, knowing that it’s going to create a much bigger deal!

All of these things can lead to an “imbalance” or an unequal feeling in a relationship. There’s no sense of being a part of a team. You might feel that you are carrying the bulk of the responsibility in the relationship. You overcompensate for your partner’s lack of effort physically, emotionally, mentally, even financially. You might be the one constantly soothing THEIR feelings, or putting more effort into making sure their needs are met, with no regard for your own. You might make a lot of excuses for them not only to others, but to yourself as well regarding their behaviors, lack of respect, and other traits they show. You may be the one who’s financially responsible, even taking on another job to make up for a partner’s lack of financial contribution, or to get out of debt because of the poor choices they made with money. You may begin to feel trapped, with no clear way out. Over time, all of these things can lead to resentment, and it grows! No matter how hard you try to stuff it down, that anger, those unmet needs you have, will eventually come out somehow. That little ball of resentment can suddenly show up as a huge mountain sized boulder and it’s going to drop on someone or something! But the one that suffers the most…..is you! Not feeling like you have a partner to share the load with and take some of the burden off of your shoulders is NOT okay! Your needs, wants, desires, opinions, feelings, safety, independence, interests, ALL MATTER and are VERY Important! We need to be heard, validated, and understood too, just like everyone else! You are not “less than” or are of a “lesser value” than another. It's perfectly okay and acceptable to have your OWN set of needs and values that should be met by another person! If that’s not happening, it’s okay to let go of what no longer serves you, even if it’s another person. When any relationship ends, we grieve it, it’s a loss, and if it’s a romantic partner, it’s a BIG loss. But a key point is understanding that we’ll be okay on our own. We need to get to a place where we don’t measure our OWN self-worth by judging it against our relationship to another! We find our own identity, we have our own compass that guides us according to our own values, morals, and what WE feel is important TO US in life.

We start the process of building ourselves up and creating a foundation, like building a house. The foundation of a house is where all of the other pieces are connected. We build ourselves from the bottom up, and the stable foundation starts with realizing that self-love, self-care, self-compassion, and self-worth are the MOST important pieces!

If you are in a relationship where your safety, mental, physical, and emotional health are at risk, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for help in leaving the relationship safely and other resources.

If you are in a situation where you feel you are in immediate danger, please call 911!

So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that “mindfulness” toolbox we’re building together! Remember, you don’t have to do this now, or at all if you don’t want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.

We always start with our mindful belly breathing. Breathe slowly in through your nose, your belly naturally pushing out as you inhale, to a count of 5. Hold your breath for a count of 1. Then slowly exhale out of your mouth, your belly should naturally move in as you exhale, to a count of 5. Do this five times.

I’d like to invite you to think about your morning routine. When you open your eyes first thing in the morning, what do you do? Do you wake up to an alarm? As you lay in bed, waking up, what do you do? Do you stretch, roll over, or jump right out of bed? Do you lay in bed until the last possible moment, then rush to get ready for your day? When we wake up, most of us unconsciously take a little “personal inventory” or scan of ourselves. We notice any physical feeling, maybe we slept wrong, and our neck or back hurts. Maybe we aren’t feeling well, we have a headache, or other physical discomfort. Or maybe we feel fine. We can also have our brains jump right into action, thinking about all of the things we need to do in our day. We can feel overwhelmed, and we haven’t even gotten out of bed yet.

Creating a foundation of self-love and self-care can be as simple as adding one or two things into your morning routine that support your own personal wellness and wellbeing. What you choose to do has to resonate with you, it has to feel easy and positive. Something that makes you feel good. Here are some ideas of easy things you could add into your wake-up routine. Add just one thing to start and do it daily! Practice until it becomes a habit. Then it will naturally become what you do every morning.

1. Prepare for your morning the night before – Make things as easy on yourself as possible for the morning. Lay out your clothes, prepare or set out what you need to make breakfast, write out a to-do or goals list for the next day. Leave yourself notes, put your bag, keys ect. in one spot so you can grab and go.

2. Set your alarm 15 minutes earlier than you normally would – build in a little extra time and space to create your new morning habits!

3. Wake to music -instead of an annoying alarm, set your alarm to music that you love. There are lots of ways to do this via your smartphone. Or use nature sounds, whatever appeals to your senses.

4. As you wake up, listen to something positive, a podcast, a book, a story, anything that promotes positive or happy feelings.

5. Stretch your body -As you wake up, gently stretch your muscles, stretch your arms, legs, shoulders to release any tension.

6. Meditate. This is not easy for many of us. Something easier might be to close your eyes and picture your “happy place” somewhere you feel good. It could be anywhere, doing anything, with anyone. My happy place is a white sandy beach, somewhere tropical, with blue water, waves gently lapping on the shore. Try it for a minute to start, then as you practice and it feels comfortable, you can do this for as long as you choose.

7. List 2- or 3 things you are grateful for. This could be mentally, using an app, or writing in a journal.

8. Affirmations – if you’d like to say an affirmation to yourself every morning, choose something that speaks to creating a sense of love towards yourself. There are lots of examples out there, or you could create one of your own. An example might be – “I love and accept myself for who I am.” You could even write an affirmation on a sticky note and put it right by your bed.

9. Incorporate some kind of exercise designed to get you in touch with your body and the present moment-this could be EFT tapping (I use the Tapping Solution app) Self-hugging or any other grounding exercise.

10. Drink an 8 oz glass of water -we never get enough water, and being dehydrated can really make us feel “off.”

11. Make your bed -sounds silly, but the simple act of making our bed gives a sense of order to our space and sends a signal to our brain that we are ready for our day!

12. Using apps to get organized and set goals for your day -It can be really helpful to use an app to write out tasks, set reminders, and keep us organized. For example, I use notifications I set on my google calendar to remind me of things I need to do. I also use an app called Finch which has been amazingly helpful. It’s cute but it has an amazing amount of things you can use. I create goals and routines in the app, and I’ve stuck with it daily for a year now! Check it out!

Remember, whatever you choose to do, just add one thing in at a time. Start small, then after a week, maybe add something else in. It shouldn’t feel overwhelming, and it should speak to your heart, your soul, it should resonate with you, connect with you, make you feel good! You can also explore and do some research on your own to find just the right things to add to your routine!

I hope these exercises are something you found helpful, and it’s more tools to add to our “mindful” toolbox that we’re building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill we’ve learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we’ve learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I’ve also put each exercise to beautiful video and music on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma! Please subscribe if you like what you see and hear!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, and follow me! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever’s on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my websites invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and enddvnow.com.

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcast, music, and listening apps!

Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!