Summer Letters 9: "Your Anger is Righteous"

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Mark Bautista

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Dear Jeremie,

Hi from Copenhagen!

I finally left Berlin for a little while, but for work, and without markus.

So far, I hate this city. It is the middle of August and it’s 60/14 degrees, torrential rain, and hella expensive. I literally had to go find the one plus size shop here and buy all new clothes for two days because the weather app said sunny and 70/21 so I brought sun dresses and thin billowy pants and blouses.

But there is a dog where I’m staying and she's super sweet. So that almost makes up for everything.

This trip really helps me appreciate Berlin a bit more again.

Fleeing back to Berlin soon!

My god, 3 weeks with children in the woods...sounds either really fun or horrible. I will be happy to babysit when you have one.

Re the diet I’m trying to only eat whole unprocessed foods, and not eat a cake a day.

I love your idea for the tattoo.

Letter from Mark:

I know I promised you this letter awhile ago, but I’ve been processing a lot, and I really just needed some time to think. You’re at camp right now, and I hope it’s going well. I hope these kids are not driving you crazy… haha.

At the moment, I am sitting in my kitchen, making a little progress on my knitting, and thinking about the last few weeks.

We went to a concert a little while back, and it was the first one I’ve been to in a long time. Life is beginning to feel a little normal again. Anyway, at some point during the night we all started talking about many different things and someone mentioned the words, “your anger is righteous.”

That phrase hasn’t left me since that night, and I’ve been processing it since.

You see, since moving to Germany, I’ve felt A LOT of anger… more than I’ve felt in my life previously. Despite feeling like the ‘other’ back in the States, this is a whole different level in Germany. I’ve always been aware of my brown-ness, but this is a whole different game.

Just the other day, I was told by a German that I should leave the country, after asking how I could help them, while I was at work. I guess there's a first time for everything.

The everyday racism, the othering, the exoticizing — I was feeling anxious and depressed for a long time.

When those words came out, it struck me hard. I was angry, but I wasn't allowing myself to express it. All the anxiety and depression was stemming from all of this.

Those words made me feel seen. The universe was like, "here's some medicine for you."

Later in the night we started talking about levels of awakening, and levels of healing.

I guess there’s still a lot of unpacking and healing to do, because those words both validated and opened something I’ve never liked to address, which is any and all personal racial trauma.

In the last year, I’ve lost two jobs and definitely some friends due to others’ fragility, gaslighting, verbal abuse, doubling down on their ignorance, and just plain racism.

I’m not writing this for sympathy, but for context.

Being angry is righteous because it is part of the path of healing. To be honest, that’s where I’m at and that’s where I might be for a while, and I've got to be okay with that.

What I want to ask you is how you have navigated your journey, how you channel this energy, and maybe you could share where you are at in your journey.

Big (corona-safe) hugs,

Mark