Episode 7: When Embryo Adoption Doesn't Work Out

The Embryo Adoption Podcast

Jared & Kristi experienced the heartbreak of several embryo adoption transfers with no success. It made no sense to them. They know, this side of eternity, it never will. Yet there’s so much to learn from this brave NEDC couple. They’re sharing their story to help others, on this episode of The Embryo Adoption Podcast.
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FULL TRANSCRIPT (Please note there may be spelling, grammatical, and factual errors as this transcript was generated by AI.)

00:01
Mark Mellinger
Generally on the embryo adoption podcast, we're sharing stories that turned out well in just about every respect. We want to be very careful and transparent, too, as we describe the ups and downs of embryo adoption to cover absolutely every angle. The truth is, not every story has the happy ending with the neat bow, and we need to talk about that. So that's what we're doing today. I'm Mark Mellinger, your host. This is the embryo adoption podcast brought to you by the National Embryo Donation Center. My guests today are Jared and Kristi Taylor. They have been gracious enough to go down this hard road with us here for today's episode. I can't thank you, too, enough for this. I think it's really important for people who either have gone through embryo adoption and have experienced some of the same feelings that you have and people who are prospective embryo adoption families to know about this and hear about it.

01:02
Mark Mellinger
So it's really important. I want to start here, though. Why did embryo adoption initially pique your interest?

01:11
Kristi Taylor
We actually have three biological children first, and went the route of oral fertility drugs with the first two. The last one was a total surprise. We just started pursuing a traditional adoption. We looked into traditional adoption for a long time. A bunch of different agencies. Our fertility doctor actually recommended us for embryo adoption, and so I started looking into that. I was on board with it more before Jared was, so I just kind of waited for him to catch up with me. I don't know. Being pregnant, pregnancy is a cool thing. It's a miraculous thing. I think that was part of the draw, I think, to embryo adoption, because it's a neat thing to be able to have babies and your own babies and how to, I don't know, take your prenatals and how to do all the right things with it. And so that was a cool thing.

02:05
Kristi Taylor
Adoption has always been in our path, though.

02:07
Jared Taylor
Well, I think it gives a different perspective to the traditional adoption, because one traditional adoption is very hard right now, and it's a business. The other thing you get with traditional adoption is you don't for sure know what you're getting. Embryo adoption presented a path that felt like it was more in line with what our standards were, of how were living our own life, and gave us an opportunity to bring children that would be like us and that would have genetics like us that were a little more the environment was a little more controlled than just a wild card.

02:45
Mark Mellinger
Definitely a more controlled environment. You guys ended up being one of our favorite couples. You always had a story for us every time you came in the door, and we're always of such good humor, so it's just proof you don't have to have had NADC kids, through the NADC at least, who survived outside the womb to be part of the NADC family, because, Jared and Christie, you very much are. Describe your experience with the NADC.

03:19
Kristi Taylor
We love you all. That's part of the frustrating thing about it all is like, everything should have worked out and then it all just became this massive. Well, 2020 was not a good year, I think, for anybody. That's pretty much how I would sum it up. 2020 sank pretty bad, right? We first matched with our first embryo donation family, we adored them. They even had the same names as us. Their babies looked like our babies. It was just meant to be. I think when went in for that transfer, I was a little shocked. I think that was my biggest shock when it didn't work out, because everything was supposed to be and it obviously wasn't. COVID started and I was suddenly homeschooling our three children and that was a disaster. Went in for our second transfer. I remember, well, the week before we left to Tennessee, were actually matched with a baby for this traditional agency were working with.

04:23
Kristi Taylor
And were so excited for that. We were still going to go to Tennessee and we had this baby. The day that the mom was supposed to show up here in our state, she didn't come. So then we didn't have that baby. We flew to Tennessee and we landed. I turned my phone on and I had this message from Dr. Keenan saying, hey, something came up. I need you to call me. Here's my cell phone number. Thought, well, this is beautiful. We called him and he said that they went to thaw out the embryos and there wasn't any. He doesn't know what happened to them. We could decide what we wanted to do if we wanted to fly home or go for what was it?

05:01
Mark Mellinger
A backup set, right?

05:02
Jared Taylor
Yeah, it was anonymous transfer. All these big words, so we wouldn't have the information, we wouldn't have the couple that we had picked out. I believe with each one of them, we actually did zooms with them. At least one of them, maybe two of them. We did zooms prior to actually them accepting us, which is an interesting thing of where they still had control. These ones, we got that phone call and he goes, this is the first time we've ever had it happen here. It's a surprise. We've heard of it only at one other time. This doesn't happen. That night went and we prayed about it. Because of COVID we couldn't change our flight. It wasn't easy to do. We just got up the next morning and we thought, well, we'll just go in and see if any others come across. Our feeling that we think we should do.

05:58
Jared Taylor
We found one, and that one was actually successful.

06:02
Kristi Taylor
Yeah, for a week. Was it?

06:03
Jared Taylor
For a week?

06:04
Kristi Taylor
For a couple of days. I don't know what happened with that. I think one stopped growing and then the other one I don't know. Was it a topic? I don't know. All I know is I was getting my blood drawn like every week for the next two months. So that was fun, it was pleasant. I was good relationships with our fulfillment. Went for a third transfer, and I think neither one of us had really high hopes with that.

06:29
Jared Taylor
The pessimism set in but the staff at NEDC is just great. Everybody there from the minute you walk in to the minute you leave, and through even the phone calls of the next couple of weeks, they take care of you and they care about you. And you really did. You do feel like it's a family and you want to be a part of it. I think that's why we want to do this today, too, is because even though weren't successful in the way we wanted, we still hope we can still be a part. We've had a few friends that have reached out to us wondering about it, and we've referred them over. It's hard it is to possibly be a blessing to somebody else in their own life when you didn't get it to come through, or hoping at least we can still be of some good.

07:17
Mark Mellinger
Well, and you certainly are by doing this. You didn't have to do it, you weren't pressured into it. You wanted to do it after prayerful consideration, and I really respect that. Take me to that moment, because others who go through embryo adoption have been there or may be there. That moment when you realized the ultimate result was not going to be what you wanted, even though the vast majority of couples who come through the NEDC for multiple transfers do have children, you reached the end of the line, and that wasn't going to be your result. What were your thoughts and how did you grapple with that?

08:02
Kristi Taylor
Well, I'd have to say ice cream is always like a good route to use chocolate, any of those. Also, I think giving yourself grace and knowing whatever emotion you feel is fine and it's okay and it doesn't matter. I don't think emotions are a bad thing. I think that they're perfect. I think you can let yourself have time to be angry and to be upset with how it should have been. I don't know what are you going to say to it.

08:35
Jared Taylor
I think part of it too came down. We're on the West Coast and there's not a direct flight from we're in Salt Lake. There's not a direct flight into Knoxville for us, and so it's a few day event, and with our three kids with their ages. It was taxing on them for us to go and be gone. They were a part of the journey, too. We did not have any secrets from them. They knew what was going on. They knew that were trying to do it, and they got excited about it. And you just come to it. You desire and you want it so bad, but sometimes what may have meant to be and whatever was in the plan, success from our eyes was not success from God's eyes. Unfortunately, he has to allow the things of Earth to happen, too. He's pretty good at allowing agency and the elements to take place.

09:42
Mark Mellinger
Was that the hardest part, sharing the disappointment with the children?

09:51
Kristi Taylor
No, not really. We have of disappointment in our family anyways, and so it just was like, oh, hey, guess what, guys? I think my hardest part was I thought for sure this is what God wanted us to do, and then it didn't work. I think my hardest part was being like, okay, well, I'll just write this down to my little memoirs, and then when I die, I'll have my book club chat with God and be like, hey, I'd really like to discuss these chapters because what the heck? It doesn't make any sense to me. I think that is what I'm waiting for, because I don't think it will make sense on Earth. It doesn't. Nobody can say anything that will make sense, because it doesn't. I think that is just where that is. It's just in my little memoirs, and I will wait until I am dead.

10:36
Jared Taylor
From the husband's perspective, it's really a helpless spot to because you have no control over anything. You can give your opinion, you can give advice, but pregnancy brings along its own set of mindset, and you have to watch your wife go through and prepare to become pregnant. It's IVF transfer, so there's a lot of hormones that are injected and you go through a lot of that. The emotions are real, and it's a difficult spot to try to be supportive and move through it and help everybody just keep going forward.

11:21
Mark Mellinger
Are you still glad you adopted embryos?

11:24
Jared Taylor
Yeah, I think so. Because even though we don't have a connection with those individuals anymore, I think when we get to the next side, we still will have a connection. I think our sphere of people have grown, if nothing else. We learned some things, as Chris has said, it's not necessarily some things we particularly wanted to learn or whatever want anybody to have to go through, because it challenges you as to whether you feel like you succeeded in life or not. I think it's definitely been an experience, that's for sure.

12:07
Mark Mellinger
Yeah. My devotion last night was a Tim Keller reading on job, and it was really speaking to what you both have said. Sometimes when we suffer and it seems to make no earthly sense, we're going through the same thing that Job went through. God never revealed the reason to him of his suffering. At least it's not recorded in the book of Job. But he did have a purpose. He did have a plan. Job just didn't see the plan. That's where you two are right now when it comes to embryo adoption. That's where we all are, through various struggles and trials in our lives, right? These things that it seemed to be like, why would this not work? What the heck? What's going on? At least we have that assurance of knowing there is a plan and we'll know someday, like you said, Christie, but we don't see the plan now.

13:07
Mark Mellinger
We just have to put our trust in the fact that someday we will. I want the two. If you look at the NADC success.

13:15
Jared Taylor
Rate from our first transfer to the third transfer, the organization success rate shot, if I remember right, it went from like on the first one. I remember asking Dr. King, what are our odds? And he basically said, flip a coin. That's about where we're at right now. From after that third one and even to now, it looks like it's more in the 70% to 80%, depending upon the cycle.

13:44
Mark Mellinger
Now we have had many that have had that success rate. Not everyone does. You still have your more around 50% and I think we've had even one or two that were lower. One thing I like about working here is we never want to embellish our press clearings. We want to be honest and straight shooters with people. You are right, Jared. The vast majority of our cycles, it seems like the rates have only gone up over the past couple of years, but not all of them are that way. It's certainly not a guarantee, but yeah, I know what you're saying. It increases the frustration, right?

14:32
Jared Taylor
It does.

14:33
Mark Mellinger
What would you say? Okay, talk to somebody who is just going in on the front end of embryo adoption when couples are doing this, understandably and there's validity to this, they're excited, they're dreaming and hoping and thinking of the possibilities of having children. What would you say to someone who's just on the front end? This possibility something they need to keep in the back of their mind the whole way? What would you two advise?

15:10
Kristi Taylor
I don't think so. I don't know. I don't want to live my life waiting for the worst thing to happen. I mean, I don't want to every time I sit down to eat, think I'm going to get food poisoning or get in your car and today's the day I'm going to get in a wreck. It's possible. It's probably going to happen, but it I don't want to live my life like that. Pregnancy is an exciting thing and I think you should be excited for it, and I think that have a positive attitude about it. If it doesn't work, I mean, ice cream again, is always helpful. Put some plugs in and see if we get endorsed. I think it's always good to choose happiness, but also to give yourself grace for whatever emotion does come your way.

15:54
Jared Taylor
I agree. The same way she uses some of the same references we use. Car accidents happen all the time. Bad things happen. In reality, if you're a couple that's coming to NEDC or that you're looking at adoption, you've probably been on a pretty rough road anyway. Adoption is not usually anybody's first choice. You always want to twerk, and luckily we had three biological kids, but then weren't able to have anymore, and we just felt prompted that adoption was part of it, and so that's why we just felt that we should continue to look, you can never know something if you don't go for it. If you've been put on the path to even explore the NEDC, there's probably some powers behind it, and it's not something you should go in just thinking it's going to be a perfect road. I'm sure you guys have success stories that they come in, they have their first initial consult, everything looks great, they come back for the next visit.

16:51
Jared Taylor
It works. Their kids are born perfectly at 40 weeks and there's not any complications. That's just not how life works the majority of the time. If you're on the front of it, go for it. The worst that can happen is not the worst thing ever. Everything's overcomeable.

17:16
Mark Mellinger
Yeah. Well said. How has going through embryo adoption affected your relationships with each other, your kids and family and your faith?

17:29
Kristi Taylor
Well, I actually had fun going to Tennessee with just Jared. It was like our little kid free vacations. We talk about the different places we used to go eat, and that was fun. I think that it helped our kids that hard things happen to everybody, so I think that they've grown a lot. I mean, they were just a little when were doing all these different things, and I think it helps them have compassion for other people when they're having hard things happen to them because they realize, oh, yeah, it does happen, but we can get through it. I'm still waiting on my book club chat with God. I think there are some parts that are really good and some parts that I just don't even address yet. There how is your relationship?

18:16
Jared Taylor
I think it took us to a different level that we had to be to. It was it was a blast. I mean, why in Knoxville? Make sure you go to Calhouns. The best Blazer are everything in the.

18:30
Mark Mellinger
USA says it right on the sign.

18:33
Jared Taylor
Yes. It was great, and we loved it. We kind of had our little routine that we got into. Unfortunately, we did have to go four times. And we had talked to Dr. King, and we probably could have done some things to have one more shot, but it just didn't feel like it was the right thing for us to do at that point. It pushed our relationship to different limits, and it makes it so that other things that come up in normal day to day sure are miniscule compared to some of the stresses that went through with that. We've now ultimately we end up getting into foster care. We adopted two little boys, and I think it's made us appreciate those.

19:19
Mark Mellinger
Kids just more, talk about that journey. I mean, that's where I wanted to end it. I think that's what everybody who's listening to this is going to wonder. Was your family building journey totally over after being done with embryo adoption? You're saying no, were still about helping the most vulnerable we're going into the foster care system.

19:42
Kristi Taylor
Well, I was ready to call it quits, but no, we keep going. We renewed our home city again, and we had with another agency, and we had all the whole mess of situations with traditional adoption. Probably seven months later, I was telling Jared, I was like, let's just look into foster care. I don't want to adopt from foster care, but we have a lot to offer, and our kids had a lot to offer. We got certified really quickly, and we started getting all these phone calls from case workers. Jared and I looked at each other like, what are we doing? This is really heavy stuff.

20:21
Jared Taylor
Including we had a traditional adoption that fell through, too, that were actually on our way to the airport. The difficult part about traditional adoption is, like I had said earlier, it's a business. On our way, we got a phone call that the birth mom's mom had gotten involved and she wanted money. She didn't care about anything else, and she put a demand out for some money. We turned around and came back home and walked away from it. About two weeks later, were matched with two little boys that we ultimately ended up adopting. Now, granted, as Christie had said, when we started embryo adoption, it took me a long time to get on board. This time she told me, hey, we should try foster care. I was a quick, hard no because we had pretty well told God that were done. We had come to the limits.

21:18
Jared Taylor
We couldn't take the stress with our kids. Our youngest, I think, was five when we started all this, or four. Our oldest was seven or eight. I was a pretty well set no. We prayed about it and we told him, no, this is not it. He very clearly answered back that were to do something and I think were one of the fastest approvals in the state for foster care. And it went very quick.

21:46
Kristi Taylor
These little boys were looking for their home too. The funny thing about it is they look exactly like Jared. The ones that I bear look like Jared. The ones that we adopt look like Jared. His genes are very strong in this place. Now we have five kids and I drive a Suburban and there's no more. It's sweet.

22:07
Mark Mellinger
How old were your foster adopted children when you adopted them? How old is everybody now in the family?

22:16
Kristi Taylor
So we've had them for a year. Our oldest daughter, she's eleven and a half. We have a nine year old and a seven year old.

22:24
Jared Taylor
Yes.

22:25
Kristi Taylor
The ones we just adopted, our older one just turned five and then the baby is a year and a half.

22:31
Mark Mellinger
Oh wow. Still a baby in the house as well.

22:35
Kristi Taylor
Crazy. Yes.

22:36
Mark Mellinger
Wow. Yeah. One and a half to nine and a half. That's a great joyous home of seven and five of them kids.

22:44
Jared Taylor
That's awesome.

22:44
Mark Mellinger
Now is your family building journey done or do ?

22:49
Kristi Taylor
I mean our friends, our foster friends joke with us that I could drive like a twelve passenger van and I probably could but I don't think I want to. Also knowing us, I mean we can't ever say this is how it's going to go because then somebody just laughs and says, no it's not. I just tread lightly with what we say is going to happen in the future. Our daughter has four brothers and she really wants a sister. That's nice. I don't know. I don't know what the answer is. I feel so old and so tired and so happy and we have five kids and we've reset to a baby again and so I think that I don't know what the future is. I'm sure it'll be good. I'm sure it'll be busy and messy.

23:41
Jared Taylor
One thing in our life is we've never set specific locked in goals. We have our ultimate goals. Obviously we plan to be married for time and for all eternity. We want our family to be healthy but we don't ever lock in. This is the only way it's going to go for us. That's how were able to come upon the NADC is because we've kept our life flexible and open. That's how we've also adopted these two kids out of foster care because we've allowed ourselves to stay instruments in God's hands. Because the minute you start saying yes or no when we first got married and we start talking about how many kids do we want? I came from a family of four. Christie's a family of five. For a while three kids looked really great. A few late nights lately with a baby screaming a lot.

24:30
Jared Taylor
Three kids really seemed like a really good idea. Again, I would say our kids are well traveled. They've flown a ton, in fact. It's unfortunate, but all three of our kids actually are Medallion members on Delta because we like to travel so much. Now we've got two extra kids that it's. More work, but it's been great. We talk about all the time, if we only had 3, may would do this, but at the same time, then when I came home to prepare for this tonight or today, our five year old came and jumps in your arms and just gives you a daddy. I love you so much. It just puts you into, this is what we're supposed to do. If somebody's sitting out there on the fence and NEDC wasn't in your plans, go for it.

25:20
Mark Mellinger
It's priceless. Well, I love that. Your happy ending, it may not have come with us, but it did come. You have your children that you're supposed to have asterisk maybe more. But happy ending for now. And I love that. Again, I'm so thankful to you too, for sharing this hard part of your journey. It's going to help so many people. We also want to thank all of you for listening. If you want to find out more about the National Embryo Donation Center, just go to our website. It's embryodonation.org. Embryodonation.org. I'm Mark Mellinger, and this has been the embryo adoption podcast.