I Have Often Thought About God

Uncut Poetry

Our relationship with the almighty is a complex one. I have grown up with an atheist father (he calls himself agnostic, but the search never ends), and a mother who grew up as an Arya Samaji, so 'believe in yourself, believe in no idols'. Dad was a man of science, well-read, an engineer, hence well versed in his arguments against the presence of god, per se. As a family on holiday, we only visited temples if they were scenic - which of course meant that I have climbed more hills and trekked more miles than any faithful might have done, just to reach a gorgeous temple set on the top of a mountain or of an architecture which could make you swoon. But as time went by, at some level, the serenity of a church or the calmness of a Jain temple or the incredible noisy and emotional faith of the throngs in front of a Hindu temple, got to me. I stopped trying to determine the logic of religion, its genesis of fear or need, and gave into the feeling it evoked. I could somewhat understand what some people could do for god, where their faith came for, and how seductive was the thought that there was somebody who, finally, guided their destiny, irrespective of what they did - and that there was meaning to it all. Even as a basic philosophy it made sense - do the action, let the fruits evolve. I'm aware of the symbolism embedded in the stories of miracles and victories of gods. But I love stories of piety and sacrifice more. Of gods, of human beings who could be gods. And I love it when I sit inside a temple, a shrine or a church, and find my thoughts change their tone and tenor. I grow calmer, thoughts of reconciliation start forming. I am a better person just for being there. I feel we are our full-formed thoughts. Our essence sleeps inside us in an amorphous, sometimes inchoate, form. Whatever alchemizes them into being, a fully-alive gentle, generous, forgiving, kind self, is gold. Or maybe god. For me, there's no better reason, or definition. If you liked this poem, consider listening to these other poems on how we struggle with god -

• In Search of a God
• When The Goddesses Depart
• The Sublime in the Ordinary

Follow me on Instagram at @sunilgivesup.

Get in touch with me on [e-mail] The details of the music used in this episode are as follows - Der Kristall the Glade by Sascha Ende Der Kristall Ending by Sascha Ende