But Still, She Thrives - Narcissistic Abuse, Toxic Relationships, Grey Rock Method, Healthy Boundaries, Childhood Abuse, Trauma Healing
Ep 34 | Am I the Toxic One? The Surprising Answer
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After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
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TRANSCRIPTFINAL But Still She Thrives Ep 34 Am I the Toxic One - The Answer You May Not Expect arrow_backDashboard Quality:High All changes saved on Temi seconds ago. more_horiz DownloadShare 11:54 00:00 Offset 11:53 18:35 Play replay_5 Back 5s 1x Speed volume_up Volume NOTES Speaker 1 00:00 Today is a juicy topic. Am I the toxic one? I have been asked that. I see it all over narcissistic Facebook pages. People wanna know, am I the toxic one? And I've got some answers for you. Speaker 1 00:16 Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mindf? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1 01:14 I am so excited to do this episode because A, we often will be made out to be the crazy one, the toxic one, right? The narcissist in our life will put blame on us. We know that. But once we get out and we're on the other side, especially, we may say, Hey, maybe I wasn't all these things. So I'm gonna dig in. There's two answers to this. There's a no, none of this is your fault and you are not the narcissist. Like if you are even asking, am I the narcissist, you're probably not because narcissists are not self-aware. They don't even think they could be a narcissist. So the odds of that are very low. Do you have any toxic traits by nature or that have been formed because of your relationship? Maybe. So let's dig in. So like I said, the fact you're here, you're trying to learn, you're trying to grow, is a very not narcissistic trait, right? Speaker 1 02:11 It's also a not so toxic person trait. Does that mean you are free of any toxic tendencies that may be due to toxic relationships in your childhood, in your romantic hood, in your friendships, whatever it is that you learned or used as a response to someone else's toxic trait? Maybe. So we're gonna ask some questions. You can ask these questions to yourself and be honest, truly dig in. If you wanna figure out am I the toxic one? Do I have any toxic traits, right? The first one, are you only concerned with yourself? So this is a big narcissistic trait and it can be a toxic person trait. In general. Are you concerned with yourself? Are you self-absorbed? Everything's all about you. Everything always comes back to talking about you or your feelings, whatever, whatever odds are. If you are with a narcissist, you are probably sort of the opposite, A people pleaser. Speaker 1 03:07 But once you are out of this situation or nearing getting out, you may start to build up that confidence and start to say, Hey, what about me? And that's great. I love that you're a queen. Do more of that. And at some point though, the the pendulum may swing the other way where you get like, wow, this is my time and it is your time. You get that self-care, but don't lose your, the sweet part of you, right? Like don't lose that caring for other people. Don't throw other people under the bus. All of that. You wanna still have that balance. But yes, it's time for that self-care and that does not mean selfish. There is a difference. Self-care is not selfish. So asking yourself, am I selfish in general, digging into that, if you are all about you and selfish, you can get help. Speaker 1 03:54 There are ways to get out of that. You can seek therapy, read self-help books on how to start having more empathy or sympathy and caring more about others. The next question, do you always think you are right? Think about this. In any conflict that comes up with your romantic partner, with friends, with family members, do you ever say, Hey, you know, that might be my fault, or Hey, I'm sorry, I could totally see even though maybe I didn't tend it that way. I see how that could hurt you and I'm really, really sorry. Or hey, yeah, I jacked up, right? Think about, are you always right in an argument in conflict? If so, you have to dive into that. That is a very narcissistic trait. Doesn't mean you're a narcissist if you have trouble saying, sorry, not always. Again, that can be part of something else. Speaker 1 04:46 Other disorders or can be related to trauma, whatever it is, it is somewhat of a toxic trait, right? Because you want to be able to say, Hey, I recognize I'm not perfect and that's okay and I'm gonna be accountable and I'm gonna say I'm sorry and I don't wanna hurt the people in my life. I don't have to always be right. This is a good one. Do you manipulate people to get what you want? Is that a pattern in your life? That is a, a very, very clear sign of narcissism. That is one of the ones for me, is like a huge red flag When I meet people, if there is any manipulation or coercion, not minding other people's feelings, but all about, again, that goes back to narcissist a lot are all about themselves and having control, right? So they will control others, they will do whatever they need to manipulate, gaslight, lie, whatever they need to do to get what they want. Speaker 1 05:44 So ask yourself, do I have a pattern of manipulating people or coercing people or trying to get people to do what I want all the time? If so, that is definitely toxic unless you're in, in the courtroom, cuz that's part of your job, . But if that bleeds out into your personal life, even if you are a lawyer, that is something you should definitely work on and seek help for. Are you always angry? Step back and think, am I always angry and taking it out on other people, right? We're gonna have emotions, we're gonna have anger, we're gonna have sadness, we're gonna have joy, we're gonna have all these emotions. But what is it that you do with it counts, right? And if you are angry all the time, that doesn't necessarily mean you're a narcissist or a toxic person. It could be due to you having resentment because you were the victim of abuse. Speaker 1 06:32 But what's important is to go get the help to release that negative energy. Okay? So getting therapy for something like that is really important. But think about, yes, that's a toxic trait, especially if you are taking it out on other people. And a lot of narcissists, they do have a lot of anger inside. They have a lot of depression. There's a lot of really dark feelings inside of a narcissist buried. Some are buried very deeply, but they come out in the form of treat mistreating other people, right? So are you mistreating other people due to your own emotions? If so, that can be a sign of narcissism, it can be a sign of many other things. And again, any of these traits, if they're coming up and they're, you're saying yes to these, it's time to get that help. That can be, you know, you can self-learn with books and podcasts, but you can also get accelerated help. Speaker 1 07:22 And what I love in my life is therapy or coaching this. This one, I want you to think deep here because codependency is a thing. This may hit more people than any of the others. If you are a victim of narcissistic abuse and you're like, am I the toxic one? Something that happens to us as victims is codependency. And sometimes that can radiate where we actually then become codependent in other relationships. And even if we're disconnected from another situation, we seek out codependent relationships in friendships, in romantic ships. So you have to ask yourself, are you trying to make a new friend or a new boyfriend or girlfriend, whatever, someone in your life, are you trying to set it up so you are kind of codependent on each other? Are you trying to get someone all to yourself? This can come up more, I would say, more than a lot of these others, other things, even though you may not intentionally be doing it. Speaker 1 08:28 I want you to think about this one. Are you in some way coercing? Whether it's intentional or not saying, oh no, don't go out with her. I had a friend like this and I don't think it was ill intended. And I thought at the time it was sweet, right? I was used to kind of co-dependent relationships in my life. And she would say things like, oh, you don't need to go out with such and such. You have me. Come on, we're all, we're all we need, da, da, da, right? Like Bonnie and Clyde. And it felt good to feel special. And I don't think she was doing it intentionally, but she constantly did that to a point I started to feel really weird. I'm like, I'm an extrovert with a lot of friends and I do want other friends and I don't wanna be isolated with just one best friend in my life. Speaker 1 09:11 So if you notice that someone's doing that to you, it's time to be aware of that, that that is not healthy. It seems fun and it's, it's great to have a best friend, but to only have like one person in your life is a sign that of codependency, which is not healthy. And if you are on the other end and you're saying, oh wait, I kind of do do that. I didn't realize it. Well now you realize it. Yay. Don't we love self-awareness? Woohoo. So you can start to step away from that start to, once you look at something, you start healing and you start to be able to change it, right? So think about it. Think about your relationships in your life. Again, this could be family members, this could be your best friend, this could be your romantic partner. When your romantic partner, let's say, wants to go do something, do you guilt trip them? Speaker 1 10:01 Oh, but I want you to spend time with me, da da, da. Right? Why is that? That's coming from some insecurity in you. Unless there's some big pattern and they're out like every day and don't spend any time with you. But think about that and stop doing it, queen. It's not a good look. All right? Do you humiliate your partner or others especially, I mean at all is like, don't do that, girl, don't do that. But do you do it in front of other people? That is a big sign. That is a narcissistic trait I have seen where they feel really good to put someone down. Like it builds them up somehow to put others down, especially in front of other people. It's a control. Weird tactic. I hate it. It's gross, it's yucky. I have a family member that does this and it, oh, it just cringe, cringe. Speaker 1 10:49 Cringes me. Every time I see it, it's like, oh look, look, I'm gonna embarrass my wife, right? It's just really gross. But do you do that? Do you? And they play it off as a joke, right? There's nothing funny about being mean or disrespectful or humiliating somebody in front of other people or at all. But think about that. That is a toxic trait. And these might even just be bringing things up. If you're listening here to my podcast, usually it's because you're a victim of narcissistic abuse or some type of abuse, right? So this may be coming up as, oh my gosh, my person did that, you know, or I have a friend who does that all the time. Guess what? That not okay. And the whole, oh, I'm just joking, I'm just joking. No, I, and I'm one, I have tough skin, okay? Speaker 1 11:34 I've got very thick skin. But when there's a pattern, and I had a friend like this too that would always make fun of me, like little jabs and, and I took it, I have very thick skin, but at one point they made fun of a physical feature of mine in front of a bunch of people. And that was the last time, we'll just say that fierce Christy here. I don't tolerate that, right? Other things, it was more like funny kind of embarrassing stories, but a story I would tell anyway, you know? And it was a frequent thing that this person would do. But when it came to like basically making fun of a physical feature that I could not change and didn't wanna change cuz God loves me as me, um, that hit way differently. And I saw then the pattern and was like, none of this is okay. Speaker 1 12:21 I'm realizing now she gets a rise out of this. You know? So we had a conversation. She of course did not respond well. And that can happen too, right? How do people respond when you do bring something to their attention that, so you can also ask this question, which I didn't have written down here, but how do I respond when someone comes to me with a concern or hurt? How do I respond? Do I say, I'm sorry you feel that way, da da da. You try to explain and talk it through, or do you get defensive right away? So being really defensive, that does not mean you're a narcissist. First of all, a lot of people get defensive in life. It never feels good for someone to come at us with a criticism. But healthy people can stop, even if at first you get defensive can take a minute and say, okay, let me process this. Speaker 1 13:07 Let's talk this out, right? But if you have a pattern of responding with that, like, I can't believe you're coming at me with this. Oh my God, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then not taking accountability, like we talked about earlier, that's, that is a toxic thing. So where do you stand in that? Or maybe you're on the other end where you're like, woo, thank God I'm out of that situation where that person never came or when I came to them, never came back at me with love and respect. And in general, do you treat people poorly? How do you treat weight stuff? How do you treat the mailman? How do you treat people walking by in the grocery store that accidentally bump your cart? You know, do you treat people nicely and kindly and give them grace? We all have our moments, right? We're human. Speaker 1 13:52 But in general, do you treat people nicely? A lot of narcissists, they may on the surface seem charismatic and friendly, but if you watch them very closely, they will mistreat people. And you will see the arrogance come out mostly, most times. Now, these last two are more like common. If you are the victim of narcissistic abuse, this can be a result. So are you a Debbie Downer? And are you in that victim mindset? And this can happen, and I get it, I do understand, but you do have to work on this. And this is stuff I love to work on with my clients, taking them from feeling like a victim to feeling empowered and like, f this, I got this, nobody's gonna change my life and make me negative. Nancy over here, Debbie Downer, negative Nancy, all the names, because I get to take my control back and I want a life of peace and joy. Speaker 1 14:42 So it's shifting that mindset and I love doing that. So this can be a result of your situations, right? Then do something about it. I'm a doer, I'm an action taker as my clients are. If you're not gonna wanna take action and you wanna wallow in what happened and feel sorry for yourself, which I get it. I mean, I feel sorry for all of us, right? But we gotta do something about it because life is too short to sit and roll around in it and not do anything and not step forward at all. You know? And there is a time period, there is a grace period where you can really release all that and let it out and let it go. And then it's time to say, okay, what do I want? Now I do, I know what I don't want. Who do I wanna be now 2.0 me. Speaker 1 15:25 Okay? So yes, if you're a Debbie Downer, that could be a cause, like a, a result. I mean, that could be a result. So get some help, holler at me, look at my show notes, set up a call with me. And the second part of that in kind of similar is do you not fix problems? And this is, I mean, just all around, and this can be a narcissistic trait in this sense of somebody who doesn't want to fix or work on themselves. Narcissists are not self-aware. Generally there, there's such a tiny population of them that will actually say, Hey, I might be a narcissist or I might have a problem. Narcissists generally will not admit unless they're desperate in trying to get you back and have crocodile tears along with it and it's momentary. So there's that narcissistic part. But in general, I'm also saying, if you are a survivor of narcissistic abuse or any abuse, but you're not doing anything about it, that will become a toxic trait because you will get more anxiety, more depression, less motivation, all those things. Speaker 1 16:26 And that is, again, what I do with my clients, is really taking you from that surviving to thriving like we are undoing damage that has been done. So if you sit in it and you decide, like there are people that are like, oh, well yeah, I wanna get help, but you know, I, I can't afford it because you know, I'm, I'm getting my grande coffees every day and I just can't afford coaching or therapy right now. That's you prioritizing something else besides your healing. So you say you wanna heal, but your actions aren't showing that that's a you thing and you're not fixing the problem. You can mask it, you can mask it with, you know, alcohol. You can mask it with distractions and going out. You can mask it with going on vacations. You can mask it with so many things, but you're not gonna fix the problem until you heal, take action, releasing physically the negative effects mentally doing mindset work. Speaker 1 17:21 And it's fun with me. So I highly recommend myself. All right, this is getting long. So we gotta go, we gotta roll. But hopefully that helps you. Most likely you are not the narcissist if you are even asking that. Are you the toxic one? Most likely, no. Are there some things that may have come out of this that could be toxic traits? I would, I don't even know if I'd call 'em traits, just things that have developed maybe, but you get to undo them. That's the beautiful part, right? And you're here, so that shows something. So good job queen. You are so worthy of turning your life around. You are amazing and you are beautiful and you have more control than you think. Okay? I'll see you in the next episode. Don't forget to subscribe and join my free Facebook group. Look at the show notes. There's lots of juicy stuff there. There's even my freebie. You get a free meditation, I'm gonna be adding more freebies. So look out for those. Hopefully next week I'll have a couple more up. I wanna give you all the fun free things. So yay, always check the show notes and I'll see you later. How did we do on your transcript?