Episode 260 - I'm Not Stewart

Here's What I Don't Get

"Where do you see yourself in five years?" your boss asks. You think long and hard. You internally chuckle because of the phrase "long and hard". "Well, hopefully I'm still producing quality content, just like the guys on the Here's What I Don't Get podcast that I listen to every week." Wrong answer. Your boss draws a gun on you. Surprise, he's an FBI agent and you've been lured in by our honeypot of a podcast. This is the last time a sleeper agent will infiltrate a handle factory ever again. "It was you all along, Dave! Dammit, I loved you like a son! But that all changed once I heard you whistling 'The Loco-Motion' this week" cries your boss, Reg. You were like a son to him, and he like a father to you. He'd take you to baseball games and buy you a hot dog every time you hit those quarterly milestones. He took you out for drinks when Sharon left you. But that's all gone now. All because Tab Birt made a peepee joke. And you still think it's funny, don't you, you sick bastard. Well, I guess you'll have plenty of time to laugh at it while you rot away in an FBI blacksite.

- Public Restrooms
- Not Following Through
- Rocket Science
- Talking At the Theatre

How come every time some atheists try to put up a statue of Belphegor, Asmodeus, or Beelzebub himself the entirety of the church and community fight it tooth and nail, yet there sits hundreds of designs of Satan in the city all around them in the form of public restrooms. Every other sink/soap dispenser/dispenser is ALWAYS broken, privacy is an afterthought, and the toilet paper is one-quarter ply. Even the clean ones are bad. A lock that doesn't go all the way so you're forced to stretch out your arm to bar it off, or a weirdly shaped bowl and/or seat. Public restrooms are Satan incarnate!

Life happens. Kids this, spouse that. Doctor appointments, and emergency room visits. Grandpas die and so do dogs. Surprise stomach flus and risky buffet oyster poos. But somehow people follow through. You move things around, you push through, or lose some sleep, but you fulfill that promise. That's a person you can count on. Others? they're flakes. They've had seventeen grandparents die, are constantly under the weather, and are always tired. Well guess what, I'm tired too! But I'm here at work despite that! Screw you!

Do you know how a rocket works? How to build and design one so that it does its job well? No? Well that's alright, all you need to know is HOT FRYING OIL = PAIN. If you can handle that you can flip burgers. Every job has its intricacies and specialized equipment that you have to learn, but that's usually not ALL of the job. There's basic skills and common sense that all jobs require, yet we all know someone who thinks their computer screen IS the computer, or someone that tried to clean an entire bathroom with a mop, or tried to make medium rare chicken strips. Somehow these people survive, despite their best efforts.

My own personal conspiracy theory? Lincoln was a theater talker. Mary Todd was tired of him asking "Is Hamlet the boy or the girl?" or "Why isn't Oedipus Rex a dinosaur?" so she hired John Wilkes Booth to blow his brains out the next time he asked a dumb question at full volume in a theater. Not as exciting as him being a secret vampire hunter, but much more realistic. How many vampire hunters have you run into versus idiots that can't shut up in a theater? "Who's the guy in the suit?" IT'S IRON MAN YOU DAFT BIMBO, MAYBE DON'T GO SEE IRON MAN SEVEN WITHOUT AT LEAST SEEING A TRAILER, OR JUST WAIT FIVE SECONDS I'M SURE THEY'LL ANSWER YOUR QUESTION BECAUSE THIS IS WHO GOES TO THE MOVIES I GUESS NOW, JESUS CHRIST.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.