I Think I May Have Just Murdered Myself

Addicted to Recovery: The Interactive Memoir

After a disturbing alcohol related injury, it was off to my very first outpatient program for addiction. The outpatient group, at the time, was five days a week, and it was good in that it gave me something to do every day and bad in that it gave me something to do every day, in that it seemed to excuse my otherwise minimal participation in my own life, a crutch I would come to rely on to give my life structure and meaning.
I did want to get better. I was suffering. But I also couldn’t imagine a world in which better also indicated completely without alcohol. The only time I felt a bit ‘better ‘ had something to do with alcohol, even though every time I felt awful had something to do with alcohol too. One being true didn’t make the other one less true. I also didn’t know what ‘better’ would look like. There was no point of reference for a non self-destructive me. I reverted back to eating disordered behaviours to manage me emotions as a consolation for my reduced drinking.
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Here is a list of suicide crisis hotlines by country:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines
Here are links to support groups with an online presence that can be vital in recovery:
For a comprehensive list of 12 Step Meetings:
https://12step.org/social/online-meetings
Smart Recovery:
https://www.smartrecovery.org/community
Refuge Recovery
https://www.refugerecovery.org
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