Minimize your contact with the ex.

Tiny Pep Talks for Stepparents

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If your partner’s ex is high conflict, limiting how much contact you have with them can also limit the potential for drama.

When I saw how ridiculous Dan’s relationship was with his ex, I thought most of the conflict between houses could be pretty easily resolved through clearer communication. I’m a great communicator, so naturally I stepped in to help. That… did not go well. 😱 😂 🤦🏻‍♀️

As outsiders, stepparents have an ability to pretty clearly see the main co-parenting issues between households. Better than our partners a lot of the time, in fact! So we think we can and should step in to help wherever we can, because that’s what’s best for the kids and our families, right?

Those intentions come from the best place. And I know it seems like by reaching out in a friendly casual kind of way to your stepkid’s other parent, surely you could get through when your partner can’t. You’re basically a neutral third party; you see both sides, you really do!

Please listen to me when I say: set those good intentions down and back away slowly. No amount of friendly outreach is gonna de-escalate a high-conflict ex who’s hell-bent on staying bitter and angry due to their own issues.

Stepparents are not responsible for managing post-divorce conflict between houses. It’s not your job to act as an ambassador between your partner and their high-conflict ex. Your job is to support your partner while they deal with this difficult person that they had a child with. Pretend the ex is your partner’s work problem: listen and sympathize all day long, but try not to get emotionally involved.

That said, if you wanna come vent about all this in a safe space, you’d be very welcome in our private Substack community! You can even sign up under a fake name to protect your anonymity if your partner’s ex is a litigious nightmare. xo

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