Moving Families Out of Anxiety, Stress, and Survival Mode with Aundi Kolber

Raising Mentally Healthy Kids with Michelle Nietert

In society we're often told to try harder, but what would it look like to try softer? In this episode, I'm joined by author and therapist, Aundi Kolber who shares about what it means to try softer, how we can help our kids process the trauma stuck in their bodies, and what it means to co-regulate.

Key points from our conversation:

🧠 Trauma is anything that overwhelms our nervous system and its capacity to cope. That trauma gets stuck in our bodies and must be processed.

🧬 When trauma is "stuck," it doesn't metabolize through our bodies and our brains cannot recognize the difference between the past and the present. Certain cues may trigger a past experience as though it was happening now.

👁️ Trauma always involves a perception element that is influenced by development.

🩹 When a parent's nervous system is in the window of tolerance where it is functioning well, we have the capacity to help our kids experience connection and safety.

✨ Our communication is mostly non-verbal. First, regulate yourself, then help your child by being present with them reassuring them that you see them and that they matter.

💙 Trying softer is learning to pay compassionate attention. It creates resistance because it isn't easy. It takes faith to trust that God will work when you are not.

💪 Softness does not equal weakness. It is hard work to be soft. We don’t get there by pushing ourselves beyond capacity, it's a different kind of work that requires courage.

🤗 There is nothing more predictive of mental health than the ability to have a sense of safety internalized in your body.

Resources mentioned:

Try Harder The Body Keeps the Score The Search for Significance

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