Snack 76: How to Help When Everything You Say is Wrong

The Whole Pineapple

Phew! Ruby, Anne, and counselor Suzi Mohn are going to fix All The Things today, so the rest of us can relax by the pool.

OK, maybe not, but they certainly can help, so listen up!

Today’s question is: How can you support your partner in a difficult fertility journey?

Often, the one who will not be carrying the baby feels a little helpless and useless during the process. (For ease of communication, we’ll call this person “the partner.”) Partners want to support the one who will bear the child, but they don’t know how, and it seems everything they say gets tangled up with all the big emotions and the hormones and does nobody any good.

Though attention generally focuses on the one hoping to get pregnant, partners are suffering too. They’re sad and scared and hurting, but their attempts to help are perhaps a bit clumsy because they often can’t understand the ramifications of fertility treatment on the body, the heart, and the psyche.

And the one going through the fertility treatments may not have the time or language or mental space to teach their partner how to help.

Because of this, a couple of Suzi’s therapy groups undertook the task of creating a list — a list of what those hoping to carry a child wanted to hear so that their partners could truly be as supportive as they wanted to be.

All the points on the list are powerful and valid. Here are some of the highlights:

“Tell me you love me and know why I’m sad.”

“Share with me your vision of our child.”

Take my fears and doubts seriously, but also remind me that we're a team and we'll work this out.”

If you want someone to climb into the cab and stare at the ground with you (and that’ll make a lot more sense after you hear the episode), ask them to listen to this episode. Share with them the list (with your own additions and subtractions) to help open those critically important lines of communication and mutual support.

You can find out more about Suzi Mohn and get her contact information at the HERE. You can find more from Ruby and Anne at thewholepineappple.com